It Should Get Easier, Right?

Today, I thought about this outfit of yours... The one you wore the first time we kissed. The sight of you absolutely confounded my senses and left me utterly powerless against my better judgement. I knew it was risky and I knew you were nervous, but the way our eyes connected and the energy I felt between us was too much to ignore. I leaned over, stroked your cheek with my hand and tenderly kissed your lips. At that moment, I felt sensations I had never even heard of. I became certain beyond any doubt that I had found something truly priceless. I knew that you were like none other and to be in your proximity alone, much less your arms, was an honor not to be taken lightly.

You wore that little pencil skirt with the big buttons up the side and that light-blue sweater. You wore those shoes that you knew I liked as well. As nice as it all was, it served as little more than a distraction from the absolute perfection concealed beneath.

Our moments together were always hurried by a world that couldn't understand. We were apprehensive and careful to dive in too deep because we had seen so many relationships go awry. You told me that there was just so much about your future yet unknown and unplanned. You were cautious about letting yourself fall too deeply. Nevertheless, nothing could conceal the truth behind us. We were amazing together. We had intense energy and thrilling chemistry. Despite all outside impediments, we found our own little world for those brief chances and we loved it. We both experienced a little bit of what happiness could be.

Now here I lay, eyes once again restricted from closure and mind from rest. Entangled in a web of sorrow, guilt, pain, longing, hope... The only way it could get easier is if I were to forget you. I'll sooner see the life drain from my body. I believe I could live with the knowledge that I was fortunate enough to experience something which few even dream of. If the price for that gift is a lifetime of hopeless reminiscing and angst, I should still think it a petty price to pay.

Will You Be There Tomorrow?

Most mornings, before opening my eyes and inviting the real world into my consciousness, I reach out with fingers and hands open across the emptiness that consumes my bed. I search under the sheets and sprawl my body about the dimension of it. Deep down, I guess I know you won't be there, but I like to imagine my wandering hands finding your warm back, or maybe your leg or arm, and upon discovery softly applying my palm to your delicate skin. I imagine, despite my care not to disturb you, you stir just a bit until you awake as well. Realizing I have begun to caress you, your hand finds mine. You pull me to you. With eyes closed and breath slow, our bodies unite in warm embrace.

In this moment, we realize that whatever questions or doubts there may be outside of us, we have found the truest reason to live. Everything else is extra. In each other's arms, we have all we need. It's warm, it's safe, it's complete.

Sometimes I get lost in this fantasy for considerable durations. I'm often late getting up, which I don't mind at all. As I open my eyes, I confront the reality that another 15-18 hours will pass before I am close to you again. Even though you are in my mind all day, I feel most connected to you when I'm alone.

Before you, I never really gave much weight to the concept of hope. I didn't do it, I didn't see it's worth, and I failed to understand how anyone could. Now, as I lay awake, occupying a lonely corner of a void which only you can fill, all I do is hope. When I wake tomorrow, stretching my arms across the void, will you be there?

The things I remember...

As usual, I will spend this evening pretending to be happy and hiding my true thoughts as I attempt to entertain a house full of people. We'll have dinner, play games, share stories, tell jokes, and all the while I'll be thinking of nothing but you. I'll be imagining you beside me, my arm around you, sharing the laughter and enjoying the night. I'll step out for minute and pretend to be attending something in the kitchen but I'll really be sitting upon the foot of my bed, head in hands, cursing my fate. Then, after a few minutes, I'll collect myself, fix my shirt and hair, and return to my guests.

Each day of my life is defined by you. My soul exists purely in the realm of your memory.

I know you want me to get over you - to move on. How can I do that? Why would I want to do that? What force on earth could replace you? As much pain as I feel, I still cherish the moments we had.

I look at your pictures of you and, like an involuntary reflex, I smile. My heart accelerates and my spine tingles. The hairs on my neck stand up and I let out a little sigh or sometimes even a laugh. Your beauty always made me lose control of my body. Nothing has changed in that department!

I admit that I am more emotional than most people, but someone like you requires heightened senses and emotional honesty. For you to be appreciated the way you deserve, nothing less would suffice. You ignite my imagination. You are the source of everything beautiful in my mind. As emotional as I may be, I'm still at a loss when it comes to conveying how special you are.

I remember the feel of your hair between my fingers and how you would slowly close your eyes when I caressed it. I remember the touch of your cheek against mine, so smooth and warm. I remember how you would take a short breath as I leaned in to kiss you and then the tension would melt from your body. I remember that when we would release our lips, you would take a deep breath and release it slowly with your eyes still closed. I remember how nervous you would be when we were in public, but then as we kiss, you seemed to forget entirely. You would just give in and allow the moment to happen. I remember when you used to tell me what made you sad, what made you cry, what made you laugh, what made you think... I remember how you looked when you could see how deeply I cared for you. You would look into my eyes, pause for a moment, and look back to me. You thought I was crazy. You were right! You were usually right. But not always...

I remember you. Every day.

I still feel you in my arms...

Dear Marie,

I think I'll take a trip to our spot by the river. I often imagine finding you there, sat upon our log, hoping, as I had been, that the fates would place us there together.

Dear Marie,

You ever feel like you want to say so much to someone, but you can't think of even one word that adequately begins to convey the depth of what you feel? Sometimes words just can't do the job, but with no other socially acceptable avenue of expressing your passion, you'll just write them anyway...

I'd like to shout it all, but I'm afraid nothing intelligible would come out. Even if it did, is anyone really listening? Maybe that's what drives people to madness... They are perfectly sane, but their inability to express the feelings in their hearts leads them to do things that seem crazy to the rest of us.

The result of my insanity is the aimless ramblings you find yourself sifting through right now. Perhaps all I want to say is that there is a side to me that is dying to come out and it has your name written all over it.

Determination is quite an inconvenient personal attribute when the thing for which you are determined is categorically unattainable. But fools press on, and without foolishness in this world, there would be no one to admire the beauty of it all.

In darkness did I once reside, alone yet unafraid. Now that I've seen the light, my love, my confidence decayed. Before you I knew happiness, but with you I knew bliss. If we shall never meet again, I'll not forget your kiss.

I now know what a day without you feels like and I don't wish to experience another. I promised I would never leave you and that I would wait for you. It is this promise which shall keep me going through the years ahead. To the ends of the earth I may travel, but when the lights have dimmed, the noise has ceased, and the troubles are over, there will always be you on my horizon- calling me forward. To the river... To the valley... To the place where we meet again.

You will grow and you will think upon me as but a memory. Perhaps it is best. The brief intersection of our lives has changed mine irreversibly. I shall never feel, think, or be the same for having known you. You have revealed in me a wealth of emotion and inspired me to express it in any way I can. I should be grateful for at least that. Your smile has moved my soul to tears. Your laugh has stirred the most tender nerves of my being. Your eyes have reduced the chaos of my mind and the complexity of my thoughts to a murmur and left me in total wonder. If I should never see them again, I will be glad to have a memory. To be but a thought in your mind is more than I deserve.

My friend, my muse, my confidant, my love- we will meet again, if only in our dreams.

Together

I don't know how often people think about the meaning of the word. Sure, anyone can define it in its most obvious use, but when it is employed in the description of two infinitely complex organisms amongst a world of unfathomable variety and constant change, its implications require more careful thought. It's not as simple as it seems. It's not as easy as we'd like it to be.

Dreaming

If I must dream in order to be with you, I should see it done as often and for as long as possible.

You, my first thought upon awakening and my final thought before slumber, not only command my waking mind but also my unconscious. Sometimes I awake with what feels like genuine memories of our reunion. It usually involves us wandering amongst a crowd, seeking one another. Neither of us even know that the other is near; these moments are simply representative of our normal state of being... longing for one another. I'll stop in my tracks, as if sensing your presence. I turn and see you standing there, stunned, with eyes welling up. I drop to my knees as you begin to approach. I am completely overtaken by emotions which elude description, both in number and in intensity.

You collapse into my arms and we embrace - this time appreciating the fragility of our union. There's nowhere I'd rather be. The background disappears and we remain there with everything we need. Each other.

I have this and similar dreams nightly. The image remains with me all through the day.

Sometimes I do things alone that I know you would have loved to do with me. I never said it was healthy, but it makes me feel closer to you. Some may say I'm living in a dream world, but that's the one you inhabit and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.