Friday, January 20, 2012
Together
I don't know how often people think about the meaning of the word. Sure, anyone can define it in its most obvious use, but when it is employed in the description of two infinitely complex organisms amongst a world of unfathomable variety and constant change, its implications require more careful thought. It's not as simple as it seems. It's not as easy as we'd like it to be.
As you know, I tend to dedicate a considerable portion of my free time to the study of seemingly random topics, primary among them at the moment being quantum physics. Of the many concepts involved in this discipline, a few manage to defy comprehension despite any level of effort. It is at once frustrating, inspiring, humbling, and fascinating. One such concept is that of physical interconnectedness.
To crudely break it down, the basic idea is that all of the matter which makes up the material of life is balanced by opposite-energy matter (anti-matter) which exists under our noses yet beyond our detection. Additionally, the fundamental particles which constitute the fabric of our beings are connected across immeasurable distances (and times) to complementary particles. This relationship seems to not only confound all known physical principles, but defy logic. Alas, such things are possible and are occurring even now.
The point is: everything is connected. It's all connected, yet so chaotic at the same time. Against a backdrop of unimaginable complexity and randomness, for two people to connect in an even deeper way is truly a marvel. We sense ourselves connecting with each other but often attribute the feeling to some intangible, emotional condition. Perhaps it's more. Perhaps that tingly feeling we get when we look into a certain pair of eyes or touch a certain face with our hand is actually the reverberation of a physical connection at the subatomic level. Like feedback on a guitar amplifier, when positioned just right, the closer the proximity, the louder the echo - until it screams so loud that it brings us to tears. Instead of pain in our ears, we feel warmth in our chest, fluttering in our gut, and tingling on our skin.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the feeling I experienced every time I was near you has opened my eyes to a new dimension of sensitivity. I have become aware of my mortality, my weakness, and the fragility of this chaotic world. I can never go back. I can never close the lid and forget what I've seen. You amaze me... even now. My pathetic attempts to put any of it into words demonstrate the turmoil in my head and the limitation of my intellect. But I have no other choice.
No act or gesture that I can think of could ever demonstrate the depth of my feelings, so I might as well jot down whatever I can piece together in the form of these missives.
I'm so sorry baby. My arms ache to embrace you and my eyes ache to gaze upon you. I often hope that my time spent enduring this pain will be abbreviated soon. I know not how, but it hurts so much. I miss you. For the first time in my life, I truly understand loss and I know what it means to miss someone.
I wonder though... maybe we are together somehow... maybe we are connected in some way that no one can ever understand.
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