To find rest...

As my parting gesture, I would have you know that upon my final breath, as so many preceding it, was sighed the most beautiful utterance to ever grace the air... Marie.

It's So Heavy,

the weight I feel.

Now, as I lay here contemplating what I might say if I ever saw you again, my fingers feel stiff, my skin cold, and my heart heavy. I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation, but today feels heavier than usual. It feels like being draped in a cold, damp blanket.

I had always heard the phrase "heavy heart" but have only recently come to understand its relevance. While it is commonly used metaphorically, it can accurately describe the feeling I currently experience. My chest aches, my blood runs cold, and heart just feels like its sinking through my back and into the mattress.


It all started when the notion of somehow seeing you again infiltrated my consciousness. I couldn't help but imagine how you would look and how it would transpire. I began to shiver endlessly. Even now, I tremble.

I tried to imagine what I would say or do... what you would say or do. I suspect I might just collapse to a heap on the ground and struggle to utter even one comprehensible word. I have no idea where I would start. I don't know if there is anything I could even say at that moment.

I would want to hold you, but I would be afraid. I fear you wouldn't recognize me.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel my heart grow heavier each day and the anxiety becomes ever more unbearable. Despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to find any meaning in this life beyond you and each day feels like a cruel joke at my expense. I can't enjoy anything because my mind is racked by thoughts of sharing it with you.

I love you deeply and truly.

Please help me to find a path to happiness. As I suspect happiness is no longer in my horizon, I would be grateful to find rest. Whether it be among the birds or the bugs, I shall find rest.

Release my bonds and lift the weight that so cruelly plagues my heart.

My Promise

I promise to live my life in devotion to you.
I promise to do everything in my power to assist you.
I promise to demonstrate my love often and honestly.
I promise to say what I mean and man what I say.
I promise to cook meals for you when you have had a tiring day.
I promise to rub your feet, shoulders, back, hands, or whatever else needs soothing.
I promise to keep myself and my stuff clean and out of your way.
I promise to accompany you anywhere you would like to go and enjoy it.
I promise to do the dishes, not because you ask me to, but so that you will never have to.
I promise to remind you each and every day why the world is better for having you in it.
I promise to sing with you, dance with you and play with you whenever you feel like it.
I promise to stay away from you when you need to be alone.
I promise to comfort you when you are in pain.
I promise to know when you say you want to be alone but you really don't.
I promise to put all other things beneath my commitment to you.
I promise to cherish your beauty with every glance I am fortunate enough to take.
I promise never to tell you that an outfit makes you look fat.
I promise to support you in any way I can with whatever you are pursuing.
I promise to be faithful to you and earn your trust every day.
I promise to protect you to the best of my ability, putting your life before my own whenever necessary.
I promise to let you know when I don't understand what you want rather than upset you when I screw it up.
I promise to be nice to all of your friends.
I promise to tell you "I love you" no matter who is around me.
I promise to give you space and to be honest about when I need space.
I promise to spend the rest of my life demonstrating how keenly aware I am that I am the luckiest person alive.
I promise to shower you with tasteful gifts whenever the occasion calls for it.
I promise to be your best friend
I promise to listen to your stories and actually pay attention.
I promise to enjoy every moment with you and consider it a blessing.
I promise to love you in whatever way you need for as long as I live.




How desperately I wish to say this to you. Alas... I submit it to the winds to carry upon their wings and spread faintly about the ears of any who would listen as I earnestly whisper it from my lips. Too little, too late, I'm afraid. Nevertheless, no truer love was ever known and should not soon be forgot.

The Best Night of My Life

You will definitely think I am crazy now...

I almost laugh now when I consider the fact that I nearly abstained from leaving the house that night. It was cold, I didn't think I'd have much chance to see you, let alone talk to you, and I was nervous about making a scene. You told me, correctly, that even if I were to see you for a second it was more than enough to merit venturing into the worst weather. When it occurred to me how right you were, I chuckled and agreed. I probably tried to pretend that I wasn't totally thrilled to be outside, but when I saw you, I truly realized just how important each moment was. I was amazed by how foolish I had been for even considering missing an opportunity.

The bus ride was spectacular. It was distracting at first, but once we got the blanket going and I held your hand and felt your warmth, all peripheral stimuli vanished. Maybe you remember how peaceful I became? I certainly remember observing you as you attempted to fall asleep. So beautiful. I think we both tried but we were just too excited. I think it was there, under that blanket, where I first began to imagine us as a real couple. We were just so natural together. In spite of everything else, we just clicked.

I held you do tightly. I wanted that bus to drive forever. I remember the dismal feeling I got when I started to recognize things outside as we approached home.

I don't think I had ever felt a deeper sensation of peace and I certainly haven't since. Such a silly little situation turned out to be the best night of my life.

I Never Had a Choice

The truth is, since the moment I first saw you, I knew there was something special about you. I wasn't sure at first, but I sensed something new and important. I would think of you often and wonder why you seemed to stick it my mind. I thought frequently of what kind of person you might be on the inside. I could tell from the outside that you were unlike anyone I had ever known. That was obvious. But there was more. Something about the way you looked when you didn't think anyone was looking told me there was more to you. The way you carried yourself was unusual and intriguing. Simply by observing you, my instincts influenced my course toward further observation.

I was in a relationship, and frankly, despite how interesting you were, I never considered a relationship with you to be even a remote possibility. The thought never crossed my mind. I simply found great intrigue in your presence.

Years went by and I continued to notice you more than anyone else. I made efforts to be near you, without tipping my hand of course. I wanted to get in for a closer look but didn't want to blow my cover. As far as you were concerned, I was just some guy. I knew that getting close to you would be risky, but again my natural instincts and curiosity guided me. These forces are too great to resist. I feared that if I learned more about you, it may indeed confirm my suspicions that you really were unlike anyone else and then I would be hooked. Well, obviously, I got too close.

Learning about you was thrilling. I've studied quantum mechanics, astronomy, history, chemistry, music... none of which have thrilled me even half as much as listening to you describe even one of your feelings. As we grew closer and began to open up to one another, it was not long before I knew that my life would never be the same. It was clear that you were singular in your depth and significance. There could be no substitute for you. This is when I truly began to feel fear.

Before I knew you, I lived somewhat carefree. I had come to terms with my mortality, I had travelled a bit, I had seen many things and known many people. Aside from the usual worries of life, I didn't truly fear anything. In an instant, one night as I looked into your eyes, it occurred to me that I finally had something to lose.

You used to laugh at me when I would lose words and stumble when I looked at you. I tried explaining that simply looking into your eyes could make me lose my wits. You thought I was crazy. I was, but nevertheless I saw in you the value of life, the point of living, and the truth of my own heart.

The closer we grew and the deeper out connection became, the more fearful I became as well. I tried to cherish every moment with you. I tried to remind you as often as I could that you were loved and valued. I tried to assure you that you would always have someone to trust and rely on. I didn't want to risk missing an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me.

The truth is, I never really had a choice in this. Blame it on nature or blame it on natural instincts, the simple fact is that I was truly powerless to resist you. Even now, as I sit alone envisioning you, I am captivated by you. To see you react to me and respond to my touch and my words... It was just too much. I never had a choice.

I don't know why it has become so much more potent these last couple days, but the pain has been crippling. I plan to continue faking it for other people, a skill I know you developed over many years, and trying to deal with this on my own. I wish I could comfort you and kiss you softly and tell you again how much you mean to me.

Baby

I'm drowning. It hurts.

Save me...

Where you are...

Do you remember me? Do you think of me often? Do you sometimes stop what you are doing and smile for a moment? Do you imagine what we could have been doing together? Do you keep remembrances of me among your possessions? Do you wish I could be there - where you are?

Have your tears run dry? Have you not slept a full night since we last spoke? Have you kept the memory of our friendship alive in your heart? Where you are, have you ever pictured me there?

Today, I was finally overcome. As I sat, looking at a picture of you - that one I snapped as we sat together by the river - I felt the sensation flee from my limbs, my vision blurred, and my body succumbed to the emotional power being generated by my heart. My arms fell limp, my head rolled back, and I felt the helplessness I had been feeling all this time manifest itself physically.

For a moment, I remained prone and paralyzed. It reminded me of venturing just a but too far into the ocean and being swept up in a wave. Against the weight and power of the rushing water, my futile efforts to resist its current are lost entirely. Like a rag doll, I am tossed about, struggling for air, flailing for something to brace myself, hoping for it to end... scared.

You used to think that my complacency with death was morbid, but I tried often to convince you that it was derived from a sense of peace. There is something beautiful about knowing you are out matched and embracing it with grace. I first began to think of it in that wave. Blinded, disoriented, robbed of air, it suddenly occurred to me that I am a part of something larger, something over which I have no control. Should I be overcome by this great force, I will have surrendered in peace.

I thought for a moment today that I might pass out. I didn't, but in that brief moment, I actually invited death. I thought that maybe I could just collapse, the last thing having crossed through my eyes and into my consciousness being your image. It seemed like a wonderful way to go. Since an end must come, I only hope it does so with your beautiful visage floating upon my imagination.

Where you are, there lies all of the beauty on earth, contained in a single point. Where you are, the music of all lovers and mourners finds its way, intertwined, in a grand symphony of all human emotions. Where you are, visions of peace and tranquility cover the worried and tired like a blanket, floating down on the air. Where you are, fear and doubt are unknown, for all that matters in our mortal existence is displayed with graceful humility and sobering honesty.

Although I often feel alone, there is comfort in that knowledge. Someday, when we are reunited, I will once again know rest.