Where you are...

Do you remember me? Do you think of me often? Do you sometimes stop what you are doing and smile for a moment? Do you imagine what we could have been doing together? Do you keep remembrances of me among your possessions? Do you wish I could be there - where you are?

Have your tears run dry? Have you not slept a full night since we last spoke? Have you kept the memory of our friendship alive in your heart? Where you are, have you ever pictured me there?

Today, I was finally overcome. As I sat, looking at a picture of you - that one I snapped as we sat together by the river - I felt the sensation flee from my limbs, my vision blurred, and my body succumbed to the emotional power being generated by my heart. My arms fell limp, my head rolled back, and I felt the helplessness I had been feeling all this time manifest itself physically.

For a moment, I remained prone and paralyzed. It reminded me of venturing just a but too far into the ocean and being swept up in a wave. Against the weight and power of the rushing water, my futile efforts to resist its current are lost entirely. Like a rag doll, I am tossed about, struggling for air, flailing for something to brace myself, hoping for it to end... scared.

You used to think that my complacency with death was morbid, but I tried often to convince you that it was derived from a sense of peace. There is something beautiful about knowing you are out matched and embracing it with grace. I first began to think of it in that wave. Blinded, disoriented, robbed of air, it suddenly occurred to me that I am a part of something larger, something over which I have no control. Should I be overcome by this great force, I will have surrendered in peace.

I thought for a moment today that I might pass out. I didn't, but in that brief moment, I actually invited death. I thought that maybe I could just collapse, the last thing having crossed through my eyes and into my consciousness being your image. It seemed like a wonderful way to go. Since an end must come, I only hope it does so with your beautiful visage floating upon my imagination.

Where you are, there lies all of the beauty on earth, contained in a single point. Where you are, the music of all lovers and mourners finds its way, intertwined, in a grand symphony of all human emotions. Where you are, visions of peace and tranquility cover the worried and tired like a blanket, floating down on the air. Where you are, fear and doubt are unknown, for all that matters in our mortal existence is displayed with graceful humility and sobering honesty.

Although I often feel alone, there is comfort in that knowledge. Someday, when we are reunited, I will once again know rest.