I Never Had a Choice

The truth is, since the moment I first saw you, I knew there was something special about you. I wasn't sure at first, but I sensed something new and important. I would think of you often and wonder why you seemed to stick it my mind. I thought frequently of what kind of person you might be on the inside. I could tell from the outside that you were unlike anyone I had ever known. That was obvious. But there was more. Something about the way you looked when you didn't think anyone was looking told me there was more to you. The way you carried yourself was unusual and intriguing. Simply by observing you, my instincts influenced my course toward further observation.

I was in a relationship, and frankly, despite how interesting you were, I never considered a relationship with you to be even a remote possibility. The thought never crossed my mind. I simply found great intrigue in your presence.

Years went by and I continued to notice you more than anyone else. I made efforts to be near you, without tipping my hand of course. I wanted to get in for a closer look but didn't want to blow my cover. As far as you were concerned, I was just some guy. I knew that getting close to you would be risky, but again my natural instincts and curiosity guided me. These forces are too great to resist. I feared that if I learned more about you, it may indeed confirm my suspicions that you really were unlike anyone else and then I would be hooked. Well, obviously, I got too close.

Learning about you was thrilling. I've studied quantum mechanics, astronomy, history, chemistry, music... none of which have thrilled me even half as much as listening to you describe even one of your feelings. As we grew closer and began to open up to one another, it was not long before I knew that my life would never be the same. It was clear that you were singular in your depth and significance. There could be no substitute for you. This is when I truly began to feel fear.

Before I knew you, I lived somewhat carefree. I had come to terms with my mortality, I had travelled a bit, I had seen many things and known many people. Aside from the usual worries of life, I didn't truly fear anything. In an instant, one night as I looked into your eyes, it occurred to me that I finally had something to lose.

You used to laugh at me when I would lose words and stumble when I looked at you. I tried explaining that simply looking into your eyes could make me lose my wits. You thought I was crazy. I was, but nevertheless I saw in you the value of life, the point of living, and the truth of my own heart.

The closer we grew and the deeper out connection became, the more fearful I became as well. I tried to cherish every moment with you. I tried to remind you as often as I could that you were loved and valued. I tried to assure you that you would always have someone to trust and rely on. I didn't want to risk missing an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me.

The truth is, I never really had a choice in this. Blame it on nature or blame it on natural instincts, the simple fact is that I was truly powerless to resist you. Even now, as I sit alone envisioning you, I am captivated by you. To see you react to me and respond to my touch and my words... It was just too much. I never had a choice.

I don't know why it has become so much more potent these last couple days, but the pain has been crippling. I plan to continue faking it for other people, a skill I know you developed over many years, and trying to deal with this on my own. I wish I could comfort you and kiss you softly and tell you again how much you mean to me.