It's So Heavy,

the weight I feel.

Now, as I lay here contemplating what I might say if I ever saw you again, my fingers feel stiff, my skin cold, and my heart heavy. I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation, but today feels heavier than usual. It feels like being draped in a cold, damp blanket.

I had always heard the phrase "heavy heart" but have only recently come to understand its relevance. While it is commonly used metaphorically, it can accurately describe the feeling I currently experience. My chest aches, my blood runs cold, and heart just feels like its sinking through my back and into the mattress.


It all started when the notion of somehow seeing you again infiltrated my consciousness. I couldn't help but imagine how you would look and how it would transpire. I began to shiver endlessly. Even now, I tremble.

I tried to imagine what I would say or do... what you would say or do. I suspect I might just collapse to a heap on the ground and struggle to utter even one comprehensible word. I have no idea where I would start. I don't know if there is anything I could even say at that moment.

I would want to hold you, but I would be afraid. I fear you wouldn't recognize me.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel my heart grow heavier each day and the anxiety becomes ever more unbearable. Despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to find any meaning in this life beyond you and each day feels like a cruel joke at my expense. I can't enjoy anything because my mind is racked by thoughts of sharing it with you.

I love you deeply and truly.

Please help me to find a path to happiness. As I suspect happiness is no longer in my horizon, I would be grateful to find rest. Whether it be among the birds or the bugs, I shall find rest.

Release my bonds and lift the weight that so cruelly plagues my heart.