Wonderful

As most things in life which can be characterized as wonderful, tonight's mild, unseasonal weather brought to mind images of you and I walking hand-in-hand through the lovelier neighborhoods in town. We would see little shops and curious things along the way and indulge our intrigue without care. We would give meaning to every experience simply by being together. Our light, ignited by our mere proximity to one another, can illuminate seemingly dull moments. We walk as though there is no tomorrow because indeed, our rapture defies time. Each moment spent together could serve as a beautiful end if ever an end must come. As much as we'd like to go on sharing such moments into eternity, there's no harm in savoring those which we are fortunate enough to have presently.

Being that I could not enjoy this evening in your company, I happily took the opportunity to walk about on my own. All the while thinking of you, the strangely warm air seemed to accompany me in your stead. Just as though you were there, I savored each breath, each image, each sound. Colored by your memory, the world can only be a place of unending beauty.

Good night, my love.

Selected Scribblings

I could live in the wilderness, miles from anything human, surrounded by space and earthly objects whose appearance changes so slowly it could be missed entirely, with nothing to occupy me but my thoughts, and the sound of nature's response  to my sole voice in echoes just slightly altered.

I could whisper to the heavens, shout to the earth, sigh to myself and cry out to you.  I could make any sound at all and wait patiently for a return in kind.

I could stare into the darkness and watch it grow ever brighter as the stars and galaxies impress their dull image ever deeper in my eyes, or I could close them entirely and allow my brain to construct images in place of light.

I could forget everything else.  But in my solitude, as in the company people, in my silence, as in the presence of sound, in my darkness, as in the light, I shall feel, hear, see, want none but you.






I know so little and have almost no direction in my life, but there is one thing of which I am more sure than any other.  Never far from my mind does the thought of it drift.  It has reshaped my entire perspective of life and informed my purpose for living it.

The chance to gaze once more into those eyes and feel the reflection of all the love I have to give is enough to keep me alive.  Just the chance.

The walls built between us, the time yet to pass, the distance yet to cover, should matter little then.  That day when once again we should embrace, our tired hearts finally at rest, I shall know that it was all worth the toil.  As we gaze across the water, our bodies one, the meaning of life will be written upon the crest of every ripple and the arc of every stone.  Our surroundings fade to white and in silence there can be found the peace which so many seek yet so few find.

If the remainder of my lifetime is required in exchange for this moment, I shall not think it a waste.

I Know I Am!

Crazy.
Stupid.
Insane.
Emotional.
Ridiculous.
Irrational.
Intense.
Verbose.
Melodramatic.
Passionate.
Committed.
Serious.
Loving.
Sincere.
Desperate.
Hurting...
Missing...
...hoping.

I know that very little of what I do these days makes sense. I know I live in a world of impossibility. I know I am chasing a ghost. I know I am pretending there could be a solution.

You took me by surprise. I never expected to feel anything like what you made me feel. I didn't know the feel of warm breath on my neck could feel like a blanket of peace being draped about my battered body. I never thought that resting my head upon your shoulders could make me feel weightless. I never prepared to find myself entirely so utterly deconstructed by your smile. How could I have been aware that the mere sight of you could reduce me to a blubbering fool.

I thought - for a second - that I'd be able to move past you. I thought maybe I could get over it and pick up the pieces. I even tried to convince myself that everyone was right - that we really never stood a chance. I thought I could give up on you, but baby I just can't.

Not one of the better days...

I had a series of horrible dreams about you. Usually, my dreams about you are calm and serene, or sentimental and emotional. Last night though, for reasons I haven't quite figured out yet, I kept replaying terrible moments. They appeared and played out to my horror. I was helpless. 

I saw you laughing with your friends, but when I ran to you to take your hand, you recoiled as though I was a total stranger. you didn't recognize me. I began to shrink, or perhaps the rest of the world began to grow, and before I knew it, I was overwhelmed. You walked away with your friends, laughing. 

I violently awoke, pulling my hair. This sensation was so vivid. I could feel you slipping away from me, even as I lay awake. I tried to go back to sleep to repair the damage and somehow find redemption within the realm of fantasy, but it was too late. 

I have spent the whole day in agony. Wondering, worrying, fearing... I keep seeing the look of happiness and light in your eyes which I so loved fade from view to be replaced by scorn and disregard. As you walk away from my helpless, floundering heap of a body, it's as though I'm watching an ember break loose from a fire and float off upon the air, slowly dimming and steadily fading from view. I struggle to keep my eyes fixed, but through the tears and the haze of confusion, you disappear. 

It's hard to imagine a night without your presence in my dreams, but this vision was truly terrifying. 

Not an hour later, I was to retrieve the presents I meant for you to receive which had not been delivered. You refused to accept them because you could not handle the pain. You believed that our time had come to an end and thus any reminder of me would only further complicate your suffering. Now it's too late. Now, the words I so passionately composed for you shall remain sealed in an envelope and my life haunted by thought of never saying goodbye. 

My dear Marie, I'll go the rest of my life with your name on my lips and your visage on my mind.

My Reason.

Not a day goes by without the unmistakable signature of your light embossed upon my every experience and thought. Your image tempers my anger and your memory allows me to ignore all ills. While it can sometimes be painful - to think of you always and be with you not at all - I am grateful for your presence even in my mind, always serving as the most beautiful thing this world could ever produce.

Although I'd prefer to gather you up in my arms and hold you forever, I must admit that despite my torment and regret, I do cherish you every day in the only way I can. If I should never hold you again and I should spend my whole life waiting, as long as you remain a part of me, I will always have a reason to be grateful.

I anticipate exhausting my entire vocabulary before I've begun to scratch the surface of what I feel for you, so I apologize in advance for what must appear to be nonsensical ramblings.

Good night, beautiful. Good night, my deer!

Those eyes...

Dozing off... Visualizing your beautiful eyes as the final sight to grace my consciousness before entering into a world dedicated to you entirely... My dreams. I so loved falling asleep with you.

It Should Get Easier, Right?

Today, I thought about this outfit of yours... The one you wore the first time we kissed. The sight of you absolutely confounded my senses and left me utterly powerless against my better judgement. I knew it was risky and I knew you were nervous, but the way our eyes connected and the energy I felt between us was too much to ignore. I leaned over, stroked your cheek with my hand and tenderly kissed your lips. At that moment, I felt sensations I had never even heard of. I became certain beyond any doubt that I had found something truly priceless. I knew that you were like none other and to be in your proximity alone, much less your arms, was an honor not to be taken lightly.

You wore that little pencil skirt with the big buttons up the side and that light-blue sweater. You wore those shoes that you knew I liked as well. As nice as it all was, it served as little more than a distraction from the absolute perfection concealed beneath.

Our moments together were always hurried by a world that couldn't understand. We were apprehensive and careful to dive in too deep because we had seen so many relationships go awry. You told me that there was just so much about your future yet unknown and unplanned. You were cautious about letting yourself fall too deeply. Nevertheless, nothing could conceal the truth behind us. We were amazing together. We had intense energy and thrilling chemistry. Despite all outside impediments, we found our own little world for those brief chances and we loved it. We both experienced a little bit of what happiness could be.

Now here I lay, eyes once again restricted from closure and mind from rest. Entangled in a web of sorrow, guilt, pain, longing, hope... The only way it could get easier is if I were to forget you. I'll sooner see the life drain from my body. I believe I could live with the knowledge that I was fortunate enough to experience something which few even dream of. If the price for that gift is a lifetime of hopeless reminiscing and angst, I should still think it a petty price to pay.

Will You Be There Tomorrow?

Most mornings, before opening my eyes and inviting the real world into my consciousness, I reach out with fingers and hands open across the emptiness that consumes my bed. I search under the sheets and sprawl my body about the dimension of it. Deep down, I guess I know you won't be there, but I like to imagine my wandering hands finding your warm back, or maybe your leg or arm, and upon discovery softly applying my palm to your delicate skin. I imagine, despite my care not to disturb you, you stir just a bit until you awake as well. Realizing I have begun to caress you, your hand finds mine. You pull me to you. With eyes closed and breath slow, our bodies unite in warm embrace.

In this moment, we realize that whatever questions or doubts there may be outside of us, we have found the truest reason to live. Everything else is extra. In each other's arms, we have all we need. It's warm, it's safe, it's complete.

Sometimes I get lost in this fantasy for considerable durations. I'm often late getting up, which I don't mind at all. As I open my eyes, I confront the reality that another 15-18 hours will pass before I am close to you again. Even though you are in my mind all day, I feel most connected to you when I'm alone.

Before you, I never really gave much weight to the concept of hope. I didn't do it, I didn't see it's worth, and I failed to understand how anyone could. Now, as I lay awake, occupying a lonely corner of a void which only you can fill, all I do is hope. When I wake tomorrow, stretching my arms across the void, will you be there?

The things I remember...

As usual, I will spend this evening pretending to be happy and hiding my true thoughts as I attempt to entertain a house full of people. We'll have dinner, play games, share stories, tell jokes, and all the while I'll be thinking of nothing but you. I'll be imagining you beside me, my arm around you, sharing the laughter and enjoying the night. I'll step out for minute and pretend to be attending something in the kitchen but I'll really be sitting upon the foot of my bed, head in hands, cursing my fate. Then, after a few minutes, I'll collect myself, fix my shirt and hair, and return to my guests.

Each day of my life is defined by you. My soul exists purely in the realm of your memory.

I know you want me to get over you - to move on. How can I do that? Why would I want to do that? What force on earth could replace you? As much pain as I feel, I still cherish the moments we had.

I look at your pictures of you and, like an involuntary reflex, I smile. My heart accelerates and my spine tingles. The hairs on my neck stand up and I let out a little sigh or sometimes even a laugh. Your beauty always made me lose control of my body. Nothing has changed in that department!

I admit that I am more emotional than most people, but someone like you requires heightened senses and emotional honesty. For you to be appreciated the way you deserve, nothing less would suffice. You ignite my imagination. You are the source of everything beautiful in my mind. As emotional as I may be, I'm still at a loss when it comes to conveying how special you are.

I remember the feel of your hair between my fingers and how you would slowly close your eyes when I caressed it. I remember the touch of your cheek against mine, so smooth and warm. I remember how you would take a short breath as I leaned in to kiss you and then the tension would melt from your body. I remember that when we would release our lips, you would take a deep breath and release it slowly with your eyes still closed. I remember how nervous you would be when we were in public, but then as we kiss, you seemed to forget entirely. You would just give in and allow the moment to happen. I remember when you used to tell me what made you sad, what made you cry, what made you laugh, what made you think... I remember how you looked when you could see how deeply I cared for you. You would look into my eyes, pause for a moment, and look back to me. You thought I was crazy. You were right! You were usually right. But not always...

I remember you. Every day.

I still feel you in my arms...

Dear Marie,

I think I'll take a trip to our spot by the river. I often imagine finding you there, sat upon our log, hoping, as I had been, that the fates would place us there together.

Dear Marie,

You ever feel like you want to say so much to someone, but you can't think of even one word that adequately begins to convey the depth of what you feel? Sometimes words just can't do the job, but with no other socially acceptable avenue of expressing your passion, you'll just write them anyway...

I'd like to shout it all, but I'm afraid nothing intelligible would come out. Even if it did, is anyone really listening? Maybe that's what drives people to madness... They are perfectly sane, but their inability to express the feelings in their hearts leads them to do things that seem crazy to the rest of us.

The result of my insanity is the aimless ramblings you find yourself sifting through right now. Perhaps all I want to say is that there is a side to me that is dying to come out and it has your name written all over it.

Determination is quite an inconvenient personal attribute when the thing for which you are determined is categorically unattainable. But fools press on, and without foolishness in this world, there would be no one to admire the beauty of it all.

In darkness did I once reside, alone yet unafraid. Now that I've seen the light, my love, my confidence decayed. Before you I knew happiness, but with you I knew bliss. If we shall never meet again, I'll not forget your kiss.

I now know what a day without you feels like and I don't wish to experience another. I promised I would never leave you and that I would wait for you. It is this promise which shall keep me going through the years ahead. To the ends of the earth I may travel, but when the lights have dimmed, the noise has ceased, and the troubles are over, there will always be you on my horizon- calling me forward. To the river... To the valley... To the place where we meet again.

You will grow and you will think upon me as but a memory. Perhaps it is best. The brief intersection of our lives has changed mine irreversibly. I shall never feel, think, or be the same for having known you. You have revealed in me a wealth of emotion and inspired me to express it in any way I can. I should be grateful for at least that. Your smile has moved my soul to tears. Your laugh has stirred the most tender nerves of my being. Your eyes have reduced the chaos of my mind and the complexity of my thoughts to a murmur and left me in total wonder. If I should never see them again, I will be glad to have a memory. To be but a thought in your mind is more than I deserve.

My friend, my muse, my confidant, my love- we will meet again, if only in our dreams.

Together

I don't know how often people think about the meaning of the word. Sure, anyone can define it in its most obvious use, but when it is employed in the description of two infinitely complex organisms amongst a world of unfathomable variety and constant change, its implications require more careful thought. It's not as simple as it seems. It's not as easy as we'd like it to be.

Dreaming

If I must dream in order to be with you, I should see it done as often and for as long as possible.

You, my first thought upon awakening and my final thought before slumber, not only command my waking mind but also my unconscious. Sometimes I awake with what feels like genuine memories of our reunion. It usually involves us wandering amongst a crowd, seeking one another. Neither of us even know that the other is near; these moments are simply representative of our normal state of being... longing for one another. I'll stop in my tracks, as if sensing your presence. I turn and see you standing there, stunned, with eyes welling up. I drop to my knees as you begin to approach. I am completely overtaken by emotions which elude description, both in number and in intensity.

You collapse into my arms and we embrace - this time appreciating the fragility of our union. There's nowhere I'd rather be. The background disappears and we remain there with everything we need. Each other.

I have this and similar dreams nightly. The image remains with me all through the day.

Sometimes I do things alone that I know you would have loved to do with me. I never said it was healthy, but it makes me feel closer to you. Some may say I'm living in a dream world, but that's the one you inhabit and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

There's Someone Out There For You...

That's what people keep telling me. They assure me that your memory will fade and I will find someone else who captivates me in the same way. They like to use phrases like "if it's meant to be..." and "everything happens for a reason..."

I can't really fault them for this. People rarely know what to say to someone in pain. It is natural to encourage optimism about the future and marginalize the past. And I pretend to agree with them just to avoid hearing them struggle further. That, and I'm afraid people will simply give up on me.

The trouble of course is that I have already known the one who captivated my every breath and inspired my every thought. I have seen the beauty that could cast a haze upon even the most revered natural vista. I have felt the touch that could cast my every care out like an eyelash in the breeze. I have heard the voice that quickened my heart and tingled my limbs. I have tasted the kiss of she who with gentle and timid honesty could ease a lifetime of burden. I have been enveloped by the fragrance of one whose entire existence overflowed with love.

You let me in when none other could reach you. You invited me into your mind where I witnessed more beauty than I could describe in a lifetime. You allowed me to see a side of you that we had to discover together. You brought my life out of the darkness and showed me a future full of wonder and a life defined by happiness. Together, we held each other and waded cautiously into the unknown.


I am not old, but I have seen much in my life. I have traveled, explored, learned, and struggled. I have met many people and heard many tales, but none can compare to our own. Although our time was short, it was not without depth. It was not without discovery.

How can I - how could anyone - ever expect or even hope to experience such a thing twice when so few experience it once? How could I possibly go on pretending that anyone else could compare to you? Why would I want to replace you? I think people mistake my longing for you as a general longing for love. I don't desire just anyone to share my life with... I desire you.


I promised you very early on that I would never abandon you. Even then I knew how special you were. It tears me apart every day to think of how I can no longer comfort you or cheer you up or listen to your jokes or hear your worries. I don't know if I can ever tell how deeply it hurts.

I remember telling you once that I wouldn't die for you. I thought it sounded cliché and empty. Instead I told you that I would live for you. I know you wouldn't want to hear me say this, but that promise is the reason I live today. I keep hoping that I'll run out of tears or I'll go insane and forget who I am. Without you I feel lost. I'm wandering about a frozen landscape with nothing in view but white. There is no sound, no color, no danger, but... no you. The colors of the world are in your eyes and without you, it's a wasteland.

Marie, I know I was always a little intense for you, but I don't even know what to do with the abundance of life you gave me! I never wanted you to doubt how important you were. I never wanted to you to wonder if you were special. You mean everything to me and I hope you don't mind if I go on loving you.

Good Days and Bad Days...

Dear Marie,

Since we last spoke, my mind has been pouring over with emotions - some in words and some defying description. Each day brings with it the same challenges as all days preceding, but occasionally new ones arise. As I have struggled with the turmoil of my heart and the loss I feel now that I can no longer see you or speak to you, I have wanted so many times to write to you. Entire days spent with nothing on my mind but you... I think about the little things - like your smile when you lay down on your side, the look you give me when I've said something to make you happy, the feeling I get when you say something to make me happy, the feel of your hand in mine, the touch of your hair to my face as we embrace...

I have wanted to write it all down, but to attempt to capture it in words would be as futile as attempting to sketch a tornado as it occurs. Before I manage to write anything, I am often overcome by the sheer weight of my sorrow. I am reduced to tears.

I didn't sleep for about 13 days right after. I tossed around, I tried everything, but I just couldn't. My life became defined by your absence where it had been defined by your presence. Where my every waking moment in anticipation of seeing you again was relieved by finally gazing upon your splendid visage each night, such moments are now met with the crushing realization that such a visage, such a dream, has been taken away. You remain in my mind at all times, much to my own peril. Each morning begins with the thought of embracing you and each night concludes with the thought of kissing your lips.

I remember the feeling I would get simply by leaning my forehead against yours. Holding you in my arms and resting my head upon you was the most peaceful experience I had ever been fortunate enough to know. I remember being totally awestruck by the effect it had. It was like a wave of warm water slowly overtaking my body, settling my chills, lifting me from the ground, taking my weight... It was like... Well, it wasn't like anything I've ever known or anything anyone else I know has ever known, so it's impossible to describe.

I often lie awake through the night even now. Many thoughts whirr through my mind, but above all are those of you. I often consider writing them down in a letter to you, but where would I send it? Instead, I endure the pain and the angst. I push on. In spite of it all, to simply have a memory of you is more than I deserve.