That's what people keep telling me. They assure me that your memory will fade and I will find someone else who captivates me in the same way. They like to use phrases like "if it's meant to be..." and "everything happens for a reason..."
I can't really fault them for this. People rarely know what to say to someone in pain. It is natural to encourage optimism about the future and marginalize the past. And I pretend to agree with them just to avoid hearing them struggle further. That, and I'm afraid people will simply give up on me.
The trouble of course is that I have already known the one who captivated my every breath and inspired my every thought. I have seen the beauty that could cast a haze upon even the most revered natural vista. I have felt the touch that could cast my every care out like an eyelash in the breeze. I have heard the voice that quickened my heart and tingled my limbs. I have tasted the kiss of she who with gentle and timid honesty could ease a lifetime of burden. I have been enveloped by the fragrance of one whose entire existence overflowed with love.
You let me in when none other could reach you. You invited me into your mind where I witnessed more beauty than I could describe in a lifetime. You allowed me to see a side of you that we had to discover together. You brought my life out of the darkness and showed me a future full of wonder and a life defined by happiness. Together, we held each other and waded cautiously into the unknown.
I am not old, but I have seen much in my life. I have traveled, explored, learned, and struggled. I have met many people and heard many tales, but none can compare to our own. Although our time was short, it was not without depth. It was not without discovery.
How can I - how could anyone - ever expect or even hope to experience such a thing twice when so few experience it once? How could I possibly go on pretending that anyone else could compare to you? Why would I want to replace you? I think people mistake my longing for you as a general longing for love. I don't desire just anyone to share my life with... I desire you.
I promised you very early on that I would never abandon you. Even then I knew how special you were. It tears me apart every day to think of how I can no longer comfort you or cheer you up or listen to your jokes or hear your worries. I don't know if I can ever tell how deeply it hurts.
I remember telling you once that I wouldn't die for you. I thought it sounded cliché and empty. Instead I told you that I would live for you. I know you wouldn't want to hear me say this, but that promise is the reason I live today. I keep hoping that I'll run out of tears or I'll go insane and forget who I am. Without you I feel lost. I'm wandering about a frozen landscape with nothing in view but white. There is no sound, no color, no danger, but... no you. The colors of the world are in your eyes and without you, it's a wasteland.
Marie, I know I was always a little intense for you, but I don't even know what to do with the abundance of life you gave me! I never wanted you to doubt how important you were. I never wanted to you to wonder if you were special. You mean everything to me and I hope you don't mind if I go on loving you.
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