Good Days and Bad Days...

Dear Marie,

Since we last spoke, my mind has been pouring over with emotions - some in words and some defying description. Each day brings with it the same challenges as all days preceding, but occasionally new ones arise. As I have struggled with the turmoil of my heart and the loss I feel now that I can no longer see you or speak to you, I have wanted so many times to write to you. Entire days spent with nothing on my mind but you... I think about the little things - like your smile when you lay down on your side, the look you give me when I've said something to make you happy, the feeling I get when you say something to make me happy, the feel of your hand in mine, the touch of your hair to my face as we embrace...

I have wanted to write it all down, but to attempt to capture it in words would be as futile as attempting to sketch a tornado as it occurs. Before I manage to write anything, I am often overcome by the sheer weight of my sorrow. I am reduced to tears.

I didn't sleep for about 13 days right after. I tossed around, I tried everything, but I just couldn't. My life became defined by your absence where it had been defined by your presence. Where my every waking moment in anticipation of seeing you again was relieved by finally gazing upon your splendid visage each night, such moments are now met with the crushing realization that such a visage, such a dream, has been taken away. You remain in my mind at all times, much to my own peril. Each morning begins with the thought of embracing you and each night concludes with the thought of kissing your lips.

I remember the feeling I would get simply by leaning my forehead against yours. Holding you in my arms and resting my head upon you was the most peaceful experience I had ever been fortunate enough to know. I remember being totally awestruck by the effect it had. It was like a wave of warm water slowly overtaking my body, settling my chills, lifting me from the ground, taking my weight... It was like... Well, it wasn't like anything I've ever known or anything anyone else I know has ever known, so it's impossible to describe.

I often lie awake through the night even now. Many thoughts whirr through my mind, but above all are those of you. I often consider writing them down in a letter to you, but where would I send it? Instead, I endure the pain and the angst. I push on. In spite of it all, to simply have a memory of you is more than I deserve.