To find rest...

As my parting gesture, I would have you know that upon my final breath, as so many preceding it, was sighed the most beautiful utterance to ever grace the air... Marie.

It's So Heavy,

the weight I feel.

Now, as I lay here contemplating what I might say if I ever saw you again, my fingers feel stiff, my skin cold, and my heart heavy. I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation, but today feels heavier than usual. It feels like being draped in a cold, damp blanket.

I had always heard the phrase "heavy heart" but have only recently come to understand its relevance. While it is commonly used metaphorically, it can accurately describe the feeling I currently experience. My chest aches, my blood runs cold, and heart just feels like its sinking through my back and into the mattress.


It all started when the notion of somehow seeing you again infiltrated my consciousness. I couldn't help but imagine how you would look and how it would transpire. I began to shiver endlessly. Even now, I tremble.

I tried to imagine what I would say or do... what you would say or do. I suspect I might just collapse to a heap on the ground and struggle to utter even one comprehensible word. I have no idea where I would start. I don't know if there is anything I could even say at that moment.

I would want to hold you, but I would be afraid. I fear you wouldn't recognize me.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel my heart grow heavier each day and the anxiety becomes ever more unbearable. Despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to find any meaning in this life beyond you and each day feels like a cruel joke at my expense. I can't enjoy anything because my mind is racked by thoughts of sharing it with you.

I love you deeply and truly.

Please help me to find a path to happiness. As I suspect happiness is no longer in my horizon, I would be grateful to find rest. Whether it be among the birds or the bugs, I shall find rest.

Release my bonds and lift the weight that so cruelly plagues my heart.

My Promise

I promise to live my life in devotion to you.
I promise to do everything in my power to assist you.
I promise to demonstrate my love often and honestly.
I promise to say what I mean and man what I say.
I promise to cook meals for you when you have had a tiring day.
I promise to rub your feet, shoulders, back, hands, or whatever else needs soothing.
I promise to keep myself and my stuff clean and out of your way.
I promise to accompany you anywhere you would like to go and enjoy it.
I promise to do the dishes, not because you ask me to, but so that you will never have to.
I promise to remind you each and every day why the world is better for having you in it.
I promise to sing with you, dance with you and play with you whenever you feel like it.
I promise to stay away from you when you need to be alone.
I promise to comfort you when you are in pain.
I promise to know when you say you want to be alone but you really don't.
I promise to put all other things beneath my commitment to you.
I promise to cherish your beauty with every glance I am fortunate enough to take.
I promise never to tell you that an outfit makes you look fat.
I promise to support you in any way I can with whatever you are pursuing.
I promise to be faithful to you and earn your trust every day.
I promise to protect you to the best of my ability, putting your life before my own whenever necessary.
I promise to let you know when I don't understand what you want rather than upset you when I screw it up.
I promise to be nice to all of your friends.
I promise to tell you "I love you" no matter who is around me.
I promise to give you space and to be honest about when I need space.
I promise to spend the rest of my life demonstrating how keenly aware I am that I am the luckiest person alive.
I promise to shower you with tasteful gifts whenever the occasion calls for it.
I promise to be your best friend
I promise to listen to your stories and actually pay attention.
I promise to enjoy every moment with you and consider it a blessing.
I promise to love you in whatever way you need for as long as I live.




How desperately I wish to say this to you. Alas... I submit it to the winds to carry upon their wings and spread faintly about the ears of any who would listen as I earnestly whisper it from my lips. Too little, too late, I'm afraid. Nevertheless, no truer love was ever known and should not soon be forgot.

The Best Night of My Life

You will definitely think I am crazy now...

I almost laugh now when I consider the fact that I nearly abstained from leaving the house that night. It was cold, I didn't think I'd have much chance to see you, let alone talk to you, and I was nervous about making a scene. You told me, correctly, that even if I were to see you for a second it was more than enough to merit venturing into the worst weather. When it occurred to me how right you were, I chuckled and agreed. I probably tried to pretend that I wasn't totally thrilled to be outside, but when I saw you, I truly realized just how important each moment was. I was amazed by how foolish I had been for even considering missing an opportunity.

The bus ride was spectacular. It was distracting at first, but once we got the blanket going and I held your hand and felt your warmth, all peripheral stimuli vanished. Maybe you remember how peaceful I became? I certainly remember observing you as you attempted to fall asleep. So beautiful. I think we both tried but we were just too excited. I think it was there, under that blanket, where I first began to imagine us as a real couple. We were just so natural together. In spite of everything else, we just clicked.

I held you do tightly. I wanted that bus to drive forever. I remember the dismal feeling I got when I started to recognize things outside as we approached home.

I don't think I had ever felt a deeper sensation of peace and I certainly haven't since. Such a silly little situation turned out to be the best night of my life.

I Never Had a Choice

The truth is, since the moment I first saw you, I knew there was something special about you. I wasn't sure at first, but I sensed something new and important. I would think of you often and wonder why you seemed to stick it my mind. I thought frequently of what kind of person you might be on the inside. I could tell from the outside that you were unlike anyone I had ever known. That was obvious. But there was more. Something about the way you looked when you didn't think anyone was looking told me there was more to you. The way you carried yourself was unusual and intriguing. Simply by observing you, my instincts influenced my course toward further observation.

I was in a relationship, and frankly, despite how interesting you were, I never considered a relationship with you to be even a remote possibility. The thought never crossed my mind. I simply found great intrigue in your presence.

Years went by and I continued to notice you more than anyone else. I made efforts to be near you, without tipping my hand of course. I wanted to get in for a closer look but didn't want to blow my cover. As far as you were concerned, I was just some guy. I knew that getting close to you would be risky, but again my natural instincts and curiosity guided me. These forces are too great to resist. I feared that if I learned more about you, it may indeed confirm my suspicions that you really were unlike anyone else and then I would be hooked. Well, obviously, I got too close.

Learning about you was thrilling. I've studied quantum mechanics, astronomy, history, chemistry, music... none of which have thrilled me even half as much as listening to you describe even one of your feelings. As we grew closer and began to open up to one another, it was not long before I knew that my life would never be the same. It was clear that you were singular in your depth and significance. There could be no substitute for you. This is when I truly began to feel fear.

Before I knew you, I lived somewhat carefree. I had come to terms with my mortality, I had travelled a bit, I had seen many things and known many people. Aside from the usual worries of life, I didn't truly fear anything. In an instant, one night as I looked into your eyes, it occurred to me that I finally had something to lose.

You used to laugh at me when I would lose words and stumble when I looked at you. I tried explaining that simply looking into your eyes could make me lose my wits. You thought I was crazy. I was, but nevertheless I saw in you the value of life, the point of living, and the truth of my own heart.

The closer we grew and the deeper out connection became, the more fearful I became as well. I tried to cherish every moment with you. I tried to remind you as often as I could that you were loved and valued. I tried to assure you that you would always have someone to trust and rely on. I didn't want to risk missing an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me.

The truth is, I never really had a choice in this. Blame it on nature or blame it on natural instincts, the simple fact is that I was truly powerless to resist you. Even now, as I sit alone envisioning you, I am captivated by you. To see you react to me and respond to my touch and my words... It was just too much. I never had a choice.

I don't know why it has become so much more potent these last couple days, but the pain has been crippling. I plan to continue faking it for other people, a skill I know you developed over many years, and trying to deal with this on my own. I wish I could comfort you and kiss you softly and tell you again how much you mean to me.

Baby

I'm drowning. It hurts.

Save me...

Where you are...

Do you remember me? Do you think of me often? Do you sometimes stop what you are doing and smile for a moment? Do you imagine what we could have been doing together? Do you keep remembrances of me among your possessions? Do you wish I could be there - where you are?

Have your tears run dry? Have you not slept a full night since we last spoke? Have you kept the memory of our friendship alive in your heart? Where you are, have you ever pictured me there?

Today, I was finally overcome. As I sat, looking at a picture of you - that one I snapped as we sat together by the river - I felt the sensation flee from my limbs, my vision blurred, and my body succumbed to the emotional power being generated by my heart. My arms fell limp, my head rolled back, and I felt the helplessness I had been feeling all this time manifest itself physically.

For a moment, I remained prone and paralyzed. It reminded me of venturing just a but too far into the ocean and being swept up in a wave. Against the weight and power of the rushing water, my futile efforts to resist its current are lost entirely. Like a rag doll, I am tossed about, struggling for air, flailing for something to brace myself, hoping for it to end... scared.

You used to think that my complacency with death was morbid, but I tried often to convince you that it was derived from a sense of peace. There is something beautiful about knowing you are out matched and embracing it with grace. I first began to think of it in that wave. Blinded, disoriented, robbed of air, it suddenly occurred to me that I am a part of something larger, something over which I have no control. Should I be overcome by this great force, I will have surrendered in peace.

I thought for a moment today that I might pass out. I didn't, but in that brief moment, I actually invited death. I thought that maybe I could just collapse, the last thing having crossed through my eyes and into my consciousness being your image. It seemed like a wonderful way to go. Since an end must come, I only hope it does so with your beautiful visage floating upon my imagination.

Where you are, there lies all of the beauty on earth, contained in a single point. Where you are, the music of all lovers and mourners finds its way, intertwined, in a grand symphony of all human emotions. Where you are, visions of peace and tranquility cover the worried and tired like a blanket, floating down on the air. Where you are, fear and doubt are unknown, for all that matters in our mortal existence is displayed with graceful humility and sobering honesty.

Although I often feel alone, there is comfort in that knowledge. Someday, when we are reunited, I will once again know rest.

The music is fading.

Dear Marie,

While I still find my thoughts occupied by your words and your smile throughout the day and night, the music which you used to inspire has begun to fade. I used to hear melodies and harmonies and poetry flowing around the contours of my brain. My hands could barely keep up with all that my heart yearned to express.

Now, that energy is being replaced by confusion and sadness. The colors that I used to see have begun to dull. This life and my place in it have begun to seem entirely empty without you.

I never thought I would be the kind of person who needed someone else. I never wanted to rely on anyone. I always thought I would be able to do everything by myself and be happy alone. Every night that I lay down without wishing you sweet dreams is another step away from independence and a reminder that the only thing I truly love is you. Without you, I have no direction, no path. I'm stumbling around in the dark.

I miss you more each day and no matter how hard I try to move on, I'd sooner forget how to breathe than forget your touch. The touch of your hand in mine, and the touch of your heart on mine.

Listening to you speak from your most honest emotions has been the most moving experience of my life. Watching the lines of your face as you bore your secrets and your feelings to me has been like watching the architecture of my own soul constructed from nothing to a monument of grace and profundity.

You will remain in my heart for as long as it beats. It is fueled by your beauty and surges your energy through my body. I am nothing without you.

I'd Die...

I can see why the idea of an afterlife is so attractive to many people. If I knew there was some way that I could see you again for certain, not only would all of my woes be relieved but I would have cause and motivation to expedite such a course right away.

Sadly, I simply can't believe it. I don't think there are any other chances outside of this natural life. This isn't a choice I've made, as I would readily choose to believe if it were an option. My mind simply won't allow it. So I am stranded on this little whirling marble in space, treading water, hoping that something might be made clear again. I'm hoping some aspect of my life may seem important again.

I have done more than my fair share of thinking and for someone of my age, far beyond my fair share of longing.

I find myself in a strange position. Should I... could I... forfeit my life for the chance to see you again? I must admit that it tempts me more intensely each day.

Love Letters

Each time I take pen in hand, gravity seems to guide my hand in the composition of love songs to you. It's as though the natural rhythm of my heart and the pulse in my fingers are the authors of my soul. My every motion is a reverberation of your impact. Each moment of my life is a result of your influence. I breathe you in and, in the stirring of my being, feel you working within me. The life in my veins carries your signature, and to it I can add nothing.

Dearest Marie, you will exist in my heart til I draw my final breath. At that moment, I shall know it is so as your whisper of love warms my heart and calms my soul once again.

How about a sign...

I always feel like an idiot. I go to parties and try to blend in. There was a time when I could fly under the radar and no one suspected anything, but now it seems like no matter how well I am portraying happiness, my sadness permeates my performance and no one buys it.

Sometimes I think I'm doing a nice job of fitting in, telling jokes, laughing at others' jokes, looking interested, but without fail, someone will ask me something like, "are you ok?" or say something like, "you seem sad".

I usually just assure them that all is well and I'm not sure where they are getting the idea. Rarely, depending on the person, I will simply say, "no... I'm not happy at all" and leave it at that. It seems that their intuition kicks in despite my best attempts to feign happiness.

It's quite an odd thing really. Before I knew you, I had no idea what I was missing. Most of of my life was spent without you. But now, even having known you for such a short time, there's no going back to normal. I can't simply switch back and go on as I did before. To put it simply, you redefined happiness and without you, I know it not.

If life is meant to be anything, I imagine it to be the pursuit of happiness; a contentment with the balance of one's life or some degree of comfort with the prospect of living further. Without you, I fear such a pursuit would be fruitless. Therefore, I fear I have no comfort with the prospect of living further. Although I have learned to hope, I have also learned that some things can not be undone. If I should never hold you in my arms again, I struggle to find purpose in drawing another breath.

Far from the pursuit of happiness, I currently seek even a fleeting reason to go on. I ache all over. Every beat of my heart whispers your name, forever reminding me of how futile my charade of a life has become. What business have I to go on pretending that any happiness could be salvaged from this mortal existence while every sensation I experience is bathed in your memory. Nothing compares. It all falls short.

I seek a reason to go on but find none. Marie, if only I had a sign... If only I could know that my life could be meaningful without you. How I ache... How deeply I long...

Marie

I just miss you. I miss you terribly. It isn't getting easier. I can't stop.

All peace and hope and calm is contained in your smile. That wonderfully simple, honest, beautiful smile as you lay your head upon the pillow overshadows all ills and makes trivial all worries. O how it haunts me now though. It's all I see. Each night, as I lay down for sleep, that smile fills my mind.

Sometimes I laugh and smile back. Sometimes I feel a wave of calm. Sometimes I begin to weep.
Sometimes I become engulfed in the torrent of sorrow that forever lingers at my back. I feel a weight of sadness which is just too great to bear. I break down.

I miss you. I want to be with you. It is sometimes unutterably tempting to write my final chapter with your beautiful image adorning my final breath of life. I can think of no sweeter end than to have eyes and mind entirely fixed upon such a wonderful sight.

What is real?

This whole life - the job, the car, the routine, the plans, the debts, the lies - feels a lot like waiting around in a crowded lobby for a show to start.  Everyone is cautiously ambitious in securing a place near the door to the theater without shoving or causing disturbance.   The time seems to drag on as we all stand, shoulder to shoulder, on foot, feigning contentment, whilst our thoughts are consumed by doubt.  Is the performer ill?  Is there some problem with the lights? What could be taking so long?

No one likes to break the ice of negative speculation, but we all have our suspicions that despite our patience and cooperation, the show may not go on.  We begin to wonder things like if and how we might have out ticket price refunded, if we could shuffle other engagements to allow our attendance at a future performance...  But surely there is too much invested in the show to simply cancel it.  Surely, with so many people waiting and hoping, it must go on.  After all, at this point we might even be happy if it wasn't everything we had expected.  We will gladly lower our expectations if the alternative is nothing at all.

We look around, straining necks, hoping to see some indication that we are not alone in our fear.  Maybe we will overhear something relevant.  Nothing is heard.  We go on waiting.  Our knees stiffen, our feet ache, our backs tire, our minds race.  This is the behavioral manifestation of hope.  In spite of everything, the main thought recurring amongst all others is that of the glorious production which we have so passionately awaited.  How wonderful it will be!  We will at least finally enjoy the opportunity to lighten the load on our legs and relax.  The colors, the sounds, the energy... it will be amazing.  We have already waited this long, it would be foolish to back out now.  There's no telling how much longer it will be, but wouldn't we be the fool for retreating now only to hear about it later.

I wait, suffering this life of toil and tumult, for the greatest show on earth...

In absence of words, I defer to the wise.

Escrito está en mi alma vuestro gesto,

y cuanto yo escrebir de vos deseo;

vos sola lo escrebistes, yo lo leo

tan solo, que aun de vos me guardo en esto.

En esto estoy y estaré siempre puesto;

que aunque no cabe en mí cuanto en vos veo,

de tanto bien lo que no entiendo creo,

tomando ya la fe por presupuesto.

Yo no nací sino para quereros;

mi alma os ha cortado a su medida;

por hábito del alma mismo os quiero.

Cuanto tengo confieso yo deberos;

por vos nací, por vos tengo la vida,

por vos he de morir, y por vos muero.

Your every aspect is written on my soul:

and how much more I desire to write!

None but you has written, and I may only read,

that in reading, I might hide even from you.

In this I am and ever will be settled,

even though I see in you some few incompatibilities

(because I do not well understand what I believe,

already taking my fidelity for granted).

I was not born but to love you.

You my soul has cut to its measure:

it’s you I want as a cloak for my soul.

How much I must confess I owe you:

for you I was born, for you I have life.

Were it necessary, for you I would die;

and for you I do die.