How about a sign...

I always feel like an idiot. I go to parties and try to blend in. There was a time when I could fly under the radar and no one suspected anything, but now it seems like no matter how well I am portraying happiness, my sadness permeates my performance and no one buys it.

Sometimes I think I'm doing a nice job of fitting in, telling jokes, laughing at others' jokes, looking interested, but without fail, someone will ask me something like, "are you ok?" or say something like, "you seem sad".

I usually just assure them that all is well and I'm not sure where they are getting the idea. Rarely, depending on the person, I will simply say, "no... I'm not happy at all" and leave it at that. It seems that their intuition kicks in despite my best attempts to feign happiness.

It's quite an odd thing really. Before I knew you, I had no idea what I was missing. Most of of my life was spent without you. But now, even having known you for such a short time, there's no going back to normal. I can't simply switch back and go on as I did before. To put it simply, you redefined happiness and without you, I know it not.

If life is meant to be anything, I imagine it to be the pursuit of happiness; a contentment with the balance of one's life or some degree of comfort with the prospect of living further. Without you, I fear such a pursuit would be fruitless. Therefore, I fear I have no comfort with the prospect of living further. Although I have learned to hope, I have also learned that some things can not be undone. If I should never hold you in my arms again, I struggle to find purpose in drawing another breath.

Far from the pursuit of happiness, I currently seek even a fleeting reason to go on. I ache all over. Every beat of my heart whispers your name, forever reminding me of how futile my charade of a life has become. What business have I to go on pretending that any happiness could be salvaged from this mortal existence while every sensation I experience is bathed in your memory. Nothing compares. It all falls short.

I seek a reason to go on but find none. Marie, if only I had a sign... If only I could know that my life could be meaningful without you. How I ache... How deeply I long...