I've been through an indescribable journey of emotional turmoil over the past year. There were days that left me feeling hopeful and others that seemed to inflict maximum psychological damage as they dragged on for what felt like an eternity. I've experienced a range of sadness which I would have previously thought impossible. Sometimes I could successfully conceal my despair, but often it was plainly read by those who knew me well.
As days and months have passed, I've seen my life steadily deteriorate toward inevitable catastrophe. I've known it was coming, but overwhelmed by ennui I've been little more than a witness to its relentless approach. Each day as of late has been a chance to experience the loss of you anew. As the weather begins to carry upon its chilling airs your fragrance and memory, all things sensed bear your unmistakable signature. Every detail speaks to my fondness for you.
Meanwhile, as I struggle desperately to salvage a life amidst crushing emotional strife, I now see the culmination of my apathy realised. I've lost my job, I've run out of money, I've distanced myself from friends, I have starved myself of affection, I've forfeit positive relationships, and I've sit idly by as the walls and beams of my life have begun to crumble. I now fear, though fear may not be the most accurate descriptor, that I shall be crushed beneath the rubble of my failed and miserable life. Even now, it feels unnatural to describe it as a life, for it is scarcely such without you.
I hesitate to use the word fear, because it implies that there may be a more favourable outcome to that which seems inevitable. I don't fear it, so much as I suspect it with considerable certainty. Knowing that my imminent destruction and fundamental loss of personhood is now unavoidable, I find it ever more difficult to mobilise against it.
Marie,
I have loved you deeply and honestly. I have struggled in your absence because you taught me how beautiful life could be. I, as it turns out, could not have known just how crucial to that beauty was your very presence. Without your spellbinding beauty to frame my perspective of the whole world, I am faced with the dour, bitter, cold, unfeeling, tundra of hopeless, mere survival.
I had envisioned so many wonderful experiences we could share. You could make my world come alive and renew my fascination with things that may have otherwise seemed dull. With you I had hoped to learn and to travel. With you I had hoped to fight through the darkest and deepest struggles life dared present.
Without you, I am nothing. I am a living body devoid of purpose. My soul dies a little bit each day, but just enough that I feel it's decay but not so much there will none the next day. Lest I finally know rest, I awake each morning to begin the process anew.
I never deserved you, and I readily admit that. You were too good. Too pure. Too promising. One thing I am sure of though, is that I never forgot how lucky I was. It's hard now to see it that way, as my life plummets toward its final thud from cliff to ancient river bed, but I do retain the vague and distant memory of how it felt when first we kissed. As balancing on the precarious edge of a chasm, depth unknown, our hearts raced as we found ourselves enraptured by previously foreign sensations. The risks of treading such a dangerous terrain momentarily surrendered us to our most honest and sincere connection. Never before or since have I felt anything close to that bond. I feel closer now to the dry and neglected, drafty and desolate, rock bottom from where blissful peaks of joy and hope exist only in beleaguered imagination.
I have, with surprising absence of despair, decided to abbreviate the pitiful and laboured existence I have, for no other reason than efficiency, gone on describing as my life.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I Need You
There are certain things needed by any living creature to ensure its survival. When any one of these things is lacking, systems in the body begin breaking down. Signals are sent to the brain indicating which things require replenishment and it is a matter of instinct to know where and how to satiate those needs. When satisfying the basic requirements for survival becomes impossible, the only thing left to do is find some measure of peace in anticipation of inevitable demise.
I have been able to satisfy most of my fundamental needs since last seeing you, but my body has been relentlessly crying out in debt of one last piece of the puzzle. Just as thirst calls to mind images of water, and fatigue conjures sensations of sleep, the ache I feel perpetually engenders visions of you. You are all I see and all I hear. My body is screaming for help. I am flooded with the desperate yearning of my being to be satiated by your touch and your kiss. I can not suppress it any more than I could suppress hunger. It defines my existence and I survive in only spite of it. It, this implacable desire, will soon consume what's left of my mind and ensure the course of my ultimate downfall.
It's possible to be obsessed with a thing when that the acquisition of that thing is unrelated to basic survival. No one would characterise the starving as merely obsessed with food or the naked as obsessed with shelter. As I measure and observe the deterioration of my own mental infrastructure, I am painfully aware of an insatiable need, ever present and ever prominent.
I have been able to satisfy most of my fundamental needs since last seeing you, but my body has been relentlessly crying out in debt of one last piece of the puzzle. Just as thirst calls to mind images of water, and fatigue conjures sensations of sleep, the ache I feel perpetually engenders visions of you. You are all I see and all I hear. My body is screaming for help. I am flooded with the desperate yearning of my being to be satiated by your touch and your kiss. I can not suppress it any more than I could suppress hunger. It defines my existence and I survive in only spite of it. It, this implacable desire, will soon consume what's left of my mind and ensure the course of my ultimate downfall.
It's possible to be obsessed with a thing when that the acquisition of that thing is unrelated to basic survival. No one would characterise the starving as merely obsessed with food or the naked as obsessed with shelter. As I measure and observe the deterioration of my own mental infrastructure, I am painfully aware of an insatiable need, ever present and ever prominent.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Reminders
It's been almost a year since I last saw your face. Almost one year since I last heard that beautiful voice apart from my dreams. A year since I last felt a glimmer of hope for my life. The intervening eleven lunar cycles have seemingly in mockery come and gone unaffected while my mind and heart have cycled in continuous circles of pain and depression.
I thought, if I were to completely change my surroundings and take a new job, I could fool people into thinking I was normal or even happy. I also thought I was succeeding in that. Comically, within days of knowing me, people have begun to detect an overflowing, unmissable, stench of sadness. Pure sadness, as I've come to learn, is something which can not be hidden or disguised. Not for very long, that is. People tend to pick up on it.
I try to avoid arbitrary sentimentalities, but as the anniversary of the worst day of my life approaches, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to extract a sense of worth out of my life.
If you only knew how little and insignificant a thing had to be to trigger in me an overwhelming wave of sadness, I think you might even laugh. So I'll close my eyes and hear it. Painfully beautiful.
I thought, if I were to completely change my surroundings and take a new job, I could fool people into thinking I was normal or even happy. I also thought I was succeeding in that. Comically, within days of knowing me, people have begun to detect an overflowing, unmissable, stench of sadness. Pure sadness, as I've come to learn, is something which can not be hidden or disguised. Not for very long, that is. People tend to pick up on it.
I try to avoid arbitrary sentimentalities, but as the anniversary of the worst day of my life approaches, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to extract a sense of worth out of my life.
If you only knew how little and insignificant a thing had to be to trigger in me an overwhelming wave of sadness, I think you might even laugh. So I'll close my eyes and hear it. Painfully beautiful.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Changes
I never could have imagined how drastically and comprehensively my life would change as a result of knowing you. The change has taken place not only in the realms of emotion and personal perspective, but in my career, goals, relationships, and decisions. It's true that to assume foreknowledge of one's outcomes is to ensure a sequence if inevitable disappointments, so I have been learning to embrace the unpredictability of my future. Nevertheless, as it shan't include your physical companionship, it scarcely proves to be one worth pursuing.
I've managed to shift my approach from total apathy to its slightly nuanced cousin, passivity. All things remind me of you and in doing so restore my ultimate focus. My greatest sources of happiness and pain are one in the same. Had I been warned prior to knowing you that such a state of being could even be possible, I may have acted differently I suppose, though, that one of the paltry free gifts awarded us in life is our inability to express, much less understand, pain until we have experienced it. For that reason, even when warned we rarely take the path of caution but instead dive head-first toward certain demise.
I see this as at once an utter failure of the human intellect and a merciful glitch in comprehension.
I've managed to shift my approach from total apathy to its slightly nuanced cousin, passivity. All things remind me of you and in doing so restore my ultimate focus. My greatest sources of happiness and pain are one in the same. Had I been warned prior to knowing you that such a state of being could even be possible, I may have acted differently I suppose, though, that one of the paltry free gifts awarded us in life is our inability to express, much less understand, pain until we have experienced it. For that reason, even when warned we rarely take the path of caution but instead dive head-first toward certain demise.
I see this as at once an utter failure of the human intellect and a merciful glitch in comprehension.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Not a Night
Not a night goes by without some remembrance of you working it's way into the forefront of my cognisance. It finds little resistance though. Perhaps I have become accustomed to the pattern so that I bother not to fight it. I'm inclined to think, however, that in comparison to all other thoughts vying to occupy the limited real estate of my brain, images and memories of you shine through effortlessly as symbols of life's most brilliant and timely repose. My body alights. My heart eases. Staring deep into your eyes, as I remember them, I see nothing else. The warmth I once felt resting my weary head upon your shoulder overtakes me in a wave of indescribable comfort. As long as I hold fast to that splendid vision, I feel no pain. Even now.
You never once failed to make me smile, and still today your record holds true. Its true too, that I am occasionally stricken by the immobilising despair of being eternally in your absence, but I continue to grow toward a place of compromise. I can balance the pain against the joy I feel in my memories.
It is my usual day's pursuit to endure the necessary evils of work that I might rest each evening upon the pillow with you by my side. I should die before forgetting the wonderful image of your peaceful face laid sweetly against your pillow, gazing back at me.
You never once failed to make me smile, and still today your record holds true. Its true too, that I am occasionally stricken by the immobilising despair of being eternally in your absence, but I continue to grow toward a place of compromise. I can balance the pain against the joy I feel in my memories.
It is my usual day's pursuit to endure the necessary evils of work that I might rest each evening upon the pillow with you by my side. I should die before forgetting the wonderful image of your peaceful face laid sweetly against your pillow, gazing back at me.
Monday, August 6, 2012
The Charade
Running into a group of your friends reminds me of the unspoken agreement amongst the wounded to speak not of the source of pain which is the only things still binding us. We exchange pleasantries and desperately share trivialities so as not to appear entirely disinterested or hopelessly preoccupied by you. This act is painfully transparent to all involved, yet our nature insists on its continuance.
Not surprisingly, I've been utterly paralysed by refreshed thoughts of all that I have so pathetically longed for these past months. It never does get easier. That void remains.
It's been suggested to me that I discontinue all thoughts of you and rededicate my life to starting anew. This suggestion is about as useful to me as the suggestion that I simply stop thinking at all, just as possible to fulfil.
Not surprisingly, I've been utterly paralysed by refreshed thoughts of all that I have so pathetically longed for these past months. It never does get easier. That void remains.
It's been suggested to me that I discontinue all thoughts of you and rededicate my life to starting anew. This suggestion is about as useful to me as the suggestion that I simply stop thinking at all, just as possible to fulfil.
Friday, August 3, 2012
You Are Here
I should feel silly by now... To continue pining for you, yearning, missing...
I still awake feeling as though you were just in my arms but vanished with the very opening of my eyelids. I close them in hopes of your return but its too late. I lay still and savor the lingering feeling of your weight and your warmth. It is that feeling which now represents the sole source of happiness in my life. Often, I will look at a picture of you, the one you took for me as you laid in bed with your head upon the pillow, and I can convince myself that I'm looking at you in the flesh. I reach out to embrace you, but I feel the cold sheets at arms length and am quickly reminded of my dismal fate.
Insanity, it is often said, is the repetition of behavior with expectations of differing outcomes. By this definition, I have been quite insane for months. If it is defined by a severing of perception and reality, again I fear the description is appropriate. Visions and physical sensations of you taunt my days. Even when I know with my whole intellect that you are not there, I still feel an anxiety from time to time as though I am about to round the corner and find you sitting there. Sometimes, before switching on a light, I even brace myself to find you revealed by the light.
Another day, another string of disappointments. I have only my memories. I am told by well-meaning friends to forget, to eliminate reminders of you, and to move forward. You exist in my life as but a memory, and to wipe it away would feel like an act of cruelty. I could no sooner sever a limb than my memory of you.
I'm so sorry, my love.
I still awake feeling as though you were just in my arms but vanished with the very opening of my eyelids. I close them in hopes of your return but its too late. I lay still and savor the lingering feeling of your weight and your warmth. It is that feeling which now represents the sole source of happiness in my life. Often, I will look at a picture of you, the one you took for me as you laid in bed with your head upon the pillow, and I can convince myself that I'm looking at you in the flesh. I reach out to embrace you, but I feel the cold sheets at arms length and am quickly reminded of my dismal fate.
Insanity, it is often said, is the repetition of behavior with expectations of differing outcomes. By this definition, I have been quite insane for months. If it is defined by a severing of perception and reality, again I fear the description is appropriate. Visions and physical sensations of you taunt my days. Even when I know with my whole intellect that you are not there, I still feel an anxiety from time to time as though I am about to round the corner and find you sitting there. Sometimes, before switching on a light, I even brace myself to find you revealed by the light.
Another day, another string of disappointments. I have only my memories. I am told by well-meaning friends to forget, to eliminate reminders of you, and to move forward. You exist in my life as but a memory, and to wipe it away would feel like an act of cruelty. I could no sooner sever a limb than my memory of you.
I'm so sorry, my love.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
It's This Moment
It's this moment in which I at once feel especially desperate for you and all other cares seem trivial.
Here, with no prospects in my life, I lay in the cocoon of false happiness I've spun wondering, agonising, about how distant you are from me. Another job turns me down, another person marginalises me, another friend reveals of little importance I am to them, and I find myself slipping further away from where I thought my life would be.
You were supposed to be there to help me. Just the sound of your voice could calm my senses. I was supposed to be your support as well. Together we could talk about anything and we could help each other through our most trying ordeals.
Alas, I lay here alone, struggling to decide what, if anything, is worth my being alive even one more day.
I've convinced myself that staying alive is something that you would have wanted me to do. With each day though, it becomes clearer to me that this assertion is purely of my own deluded creation. You are gone and never to be effected by my existence or non-existence again.
Here, with no prospects in my life, I lay in the cocoon of false happiness I've spun wondering, agonising, about how distant you are from me. Another job turns me down, another person marginalises me, another friend reveals of little importance I am to them, and I find myself slipping further away from where I thought my life would be.
You were supposed to be there to help me. Just the sound of your voice could calm my senses. I was supposed to be your support as well. Together we could talk about anything and we could help each other through our most trying ordeals.
Alas, I lay here alone, struggling to decide what, if anything, is worth my being alive even one more day.
I've convinced myself that staying alive is something that you would have wanted me to do. With each day though, it becomes clearer to me that this assertion is purely of my own deluded creation. You are gone and never to be effected by my existence or non-existence again.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Lucid Dreaming
Marie,
It's funny how sometimes I can go back and read our old text message conversations and feel a little hint of that feeling I used to get talking to you. I just picture your little smirks and that devious look of yours when you try to embarrass me. Your sarcasm and wit always made me smile. I smile differently when I think about you than any other time. It's deeper somehow. I feel connected to you in some small way when I can look at those old transcripts.
It's a bit like living a dream. I can almost picture myself as I was then: so happy, so hopeful, and so full of love. The sound of your voice could make my entire body tremble with excitement. Every time we spoke I felt like I could die happy. I always knew, each time we spoke, that I was the luckiest person on earth. I felt truly blessed for the chance to be close to you in any way I could. Looking back at our banter and how deeply we cared for each other just brings those feelings back. Honestly, these days it's about the only time I feel any happiness at all. Those little trips of the mind that I take to our special place - that world we created just for us - are the only times I experience some degree of peace.
I miss you every day and think of you always. I suppose I should be grateful for having had the opportunity to know you for as long as I did. And I am. It's just so hard to imagine happiness without you now.
Maybe this is just part of the deal. Maybe everyone, at some point, is forced to live in a world where their truest source of happiness is gone. The best we can hope for is to find something that gets us close, knowing that the height of bliss is temporary and can never be restored once it is lost.
I'd like to say I'm closer to making peace with it all, but I don't know if that's true. I'm afraid my life has just been calibrated for a lower standard of happiness and I've forgotten what is really possible. Perhaps that's the best I'll do toward making peace.
My love, you are with me in my dreams. And in my dreams I would gladly dwell for eternity.
It's funny how sometimes I can go back and read our old text message conversations and feel a little hint of that feeling I used to get talking to you. I just picture your little smirks and that devious look of yours when you try to embarrass me. Your sarcasm and wit always made me smile. I smile differently when I think about you than any other time. It's deeper somehow. I feel connected to you in some small way when I can look at those old transcripts.
It's a bit like living a dream. I can almost picture myself as I was then: so happy, so hopeful, and so full of love. The sound of your voice could make my entire body tremble with excitement. Every time we spoke I felt like I could die happy. I always knew, each time we spoke, that I was the luckiest person on earth. I felt truly blessed for the chance to be close to you in any way I could. Looking back at our banter and how deeply we cared for each other just brings those feelings back. Honestly, these days it's about the only time I feel any happiness at all. Those little trips of the mind that I take to our special place - that world we created just for us - are the only times I experience some degree of peace.
I miss you every day and think of you always. I suppose I should be grateful for having had the opportunity to know you for as long as I did. And I am. It's just so hard to imagine happiness without you now.
Maybe this is just part of the deal. Maybe everyone, at some point, is forced to live in a world where their truest source of happiness is gone. The best we can hope for is to find something that gets us close, knowing that the height of bliss is temporary and can never be restored once it is lost.
I'd like to say I'm closer to making peace with it all, but I don't know if that's true. I'm afraid my life has just been calibrated for a lower standard of happiness and I've forgotten what is really possible. Perhaps that's the best I'll do toward making peace.
My love, you are with me in my dreams. And in my dreams I would gladly dwell for eternity.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Good Morning?
What the hell is so good about it? Why does everyone keep saying this to me? Good morning! Good afternoon! Good night! Good weekend! Good summer!
Just what exactly is so good about any of it?
I wake up alone every morning wishing I could sleep forever and immediately missing you. After a night of dreaming about you, there really is nothing good about waking up. It's so hard.
I walk through the day with my mask on, pretending to be fine. It is now beginning to wear off though. Some have begun to notice. I am increasingly confronted with inquiries as to how I am getting along. More people seem to detect that something is wrong in my head. I tire of lying to them. I wish no longer to hide behind this façade. It's all coming down around me.
The dreams are coming more frequently and the sensations are increasingly realistic. I wake feeling as though I have been embracing you all night. I literally feel the weight of your body against mine. Im afraid I may actually be going insane.
My heart has been lost for some time. It seems now that my mind is to follow suit. Soon I will be little more than a delusional maniac, undergoing hallucinations. I now have several ticks. My lips pop, my throat jumps up and down, my ears move, my eyes twist about, my wrists lock and release, and I stutter. Each continues to develop daily. I can barely speak in full sentences anymore. My thoughts are increasingly jumbled and I have noticed people struggling to follow me in conversation.
It won't be long until no one remains to tolerate me and with a broken heart and broken mind I become truly alone.
The struggle to justify living any longer will soon be lost.
Just what exactly is so good about any of it?
I wake up alone every morning wishing I could sleep forever and immediately missing you. After a night of dreaming about you, there really is nothing good about waking up. It's so hard.
I walk through the day with my mask on, pretending to be fine. It is now beginning to wear off though. Some have begun to notice. I am increasingly confronted with inquiries as to how I am getting along. More people seem to detect that something is wrong in my head. I tire of lying to them. I wish no longer to hide behind this façade. It's all coming down around me.
The dreams are coming more frequently and the sensations are increasingly realistic. I wake feeling as though I have been embracing you all night. I literally feel the weight of your body against mine. Im afraid I may actually be going insane.
My heart has been lost for some time. It seems now that my mind is to follow suit. Soon I will be little more than a delusional maniac, undergoing hallucinations. I now have several ticks. My lips pop, my throat jumps up and down, my ears move, my eyes twist about, my wrists lock and release, and I stutter. Each continues to develop daily. I can barely speak in full sentences anymore. My thoughts are increasingly jumbled and I have noticed people struggling to follow me in conversation.
It won't be long until no one remains to tolerate me and with a broken heart and broken mind I become truly alone.
The struggle to justify living any longer will soon be lost.
I'm Not a Poet
"How, indeed, am I", said he,
"to go on loving honestly
When all I need, that which I breathe,
Is found completely within she?"
"The trouble lies within her eyes,
Such splendid visions," so said I,
"that taunt the dreams and sew the seams
Of mem'ries there immortalised."
"But without her, one must concur,"
Said he with fervour, all but sure,
"Hence forth shall I, until I die,
Love none so honestly as her."
"to go on loving honestly
When all I need, that which I breathe,
Is found completely within she?"
"The trouble lies within her eyes,
Such splendid visions," so said I,
"that taunt the dreams and sew the seams
Of mem'ries there immortalised."
"But without her, one must concur,"
Said he with fervour, all but sure,
"Hence forth shall I, until I die,
Love none so honestly as her."
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Girl of My Dreams
Because its such an overused phrase, I usually avoid employing it. I think it's typically meant as an abstract concept or a metaphor. In my case however, no more accurate description could be given.
I have been dreaming about you since we met. I continue to dream about you each night (those through which I am fortunate enough to sleep), and each morning I reluctantly awake to a reality of which you are no longer a part.
Last night, we were laying in the grass with other people all around. You reached out your hand and began to squeeze mine. I really felt it. I still feel it. You looked into my eyes and I into yours and without words we exchanged volumes. It was though we hadn't seen each other for some time and were once reunited.
Marie... That name that lives on the tip of my tongue and in the depths of my heart. Marie... I will never know a beauty more true than that of my Marie.
I have been dreaming about you since we met. I continue to dream about you each night (those through which I am fortunate enough to sleep), and each morning I reluctantly awake to a reality of which you are no longer a part.
Last night, we were laying in the grass with other people all around. You reached out your hand and began to squeeze mine. I really felt it. I still feel it. You looked into my eyes and I into yours and without words we exchanged volumes. It was though we hadn't seen each other for some time and were once reunited.
Marie... That name that lives on the tip of my tongue and in the depths of my heart. Marie... I will never know a beauty more true than that of my Marie.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I Embrace the Pain
Although it seems to degrade all other facets of my existence, the pain I feel in your absence serves as my most loyal and consistent reminder of you. I happily bear the burden of my anguish if to shed it would mean to sacrifice but a moment of your splendid memory.
The passage of time may ease the pain, but I pray it not dull the memories I so cherish. It is through such memories that I experience you each and every day. I gladly embrace the pain if doing so keeps your image fresh in my mind.
I shall bear my burden with gratitude, taking comfort in my dreams where your voice is ever heard and your touch felt.
The place in my heart where you reside continues to grow. It has become abundantly clear that the possibility of loving another as I have loved you is too remote to mention. Perhaps this is my story then... A life accompanied by ever-present heartache. In spite of everything, the mere thought of your beautiful visage cleanses my soul and takes the weight of my sorrow until my cruel mind clutters the image with other things - all trivial in comparison.
As most nights, I shall apply my sincerest effort in the suppression of all extraneous thoughts and concentrate entirely on you. This is the best possible way to fall asleep.
The passage of time may ease the pain, but I pray it not dull the memories I so cherish. It is through such memories that I experience you each and every day. I gladly embrace the pain if doing so keeps your image fresh in my mind.
I shall bear my burden with gratitude, taking comfort in my dreams where your voice is ever heard and your touch felt.
The place in my heart where you reside continues to grow. It has become abundantly clear that the possibility of loving another as I have loved you is too remote to mention. Perhaps this is my story then... A life accompanied by ever-present heartache. In spite of everything, the mere thought of your beautiful visage cleanses my soul and takes the weight of my sorrow until my cruel mind clutters the image with other things - all trivial in comparison.
As most nights, I shall apply my sincerest effort in the suppression of all extraneous thoughts and concentrate entirely on you. This is the best possible way to fall asleep.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Every Day
You are the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
I hate to reduce myself to such trite superlatives, but I really have no other way of illustrating the distinction between you and everything else. From your exquisite physical beauty to your depth of character, your humility to your ambition, and your tenderness to your ferocity, your every aspect stands unique in its wonder. I need only think of you for a moment before losing all other thoughts and finding myself awestruck.
The past few few weeks have been weird. I have begun trying to imagine a future without you. I have tried to envision myself in ten, twenty, thirty years. The strangest thing about this is that my images are always in black and white. There is no colour or sound. Without you, there is indeed no beauty at all.
I don't think it would be possible for me to love another. I have attempted to imagine that as well. Aside from making me physically uncomfortable, such thoughts present a serious issue. Since I have experienced the most lovely and wonderful company I could ever hope for, I can do little to avoid comparing all others by that standard. Naturally, everyone falls short. There is only you.
I lay awake, yet again, staring into your eyes. I remember when I asked you to take a picture of yourself as you awoke so in your absence I could look upon you as though we were together. This picture, which I still have and treasure has proven to be a gift above all others. Once again I find myself captivated, hopelessly, by your stunning visage and the worlds of complexity contained in your subtle gaze.
To this day, this remains my preferred practice before sleep. Some nights, those through which I am unable to claim a moment's sleep, I am grateful to have that picture to keep me company.
I hate to reduce myself to such trite superlatives, but I really have no other way of illustrating the distinction between you and everything else. From your exquisite physical beauty to your depth of character, your humility to your ambition, and your tenderness to your ferocity, your every aspect stands unique in its wonder. I need only think of you for a moment before losing all other thoughts and finding myself awestruck.
The past few few weeks have been weird. I have begun trying to imagine a future without you. I have tried to envision myself in ten, twenty, thirty years. The strangest thing about this is that my images are always in black and white. There is no colour or sound. Without you, there is indeed no beauty at all.
I don't think it would be possible for me to love another. I have attempted to imagine that as well. Aside from making me physically uncomfortable, such thoughts present a serious issue. Since I have experienced the most lovely and wonderful company I could ever hope for, I can do little to avoid comparing all others by that standard. Naturally, everyone falls short. There is only you.
I lay awake, yet again, staring into your eyes. I remember when I asked you to take a picture of yourself as you awoke so in your absence I could look upon you as though we were together. This picture, which I still have and treasure has proven to be a gift above all others. Once again I find myself captivated, hopelessly, by your stunning visage and the worlds of complexity contained in your subtle gaze.
To this day, this remains my preferred practice before sleep. Some nights, those through which I am unable to claim a moment's sleep, I am grateful to have that picture to keep me company.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I'm trying, but I'm failing.
I'm trying to see purpose in life. I'm trying to convince myself that facing another day is better than not. Anyone attempting to offer consolation to me does so by assuring me that 'time heals all wounds' or suggests that I find something else on which to focus my mind.
The notion that 'time heals all wounds', apart from being demonstrably false, offers little comfort. The implication is that given enough time, your memory will be dull enough so as not to matter. In fact, it is just this proposition which scares me more than anything.
I can't openly discuss the details of our relationship or how it found its end, making it truly impossible for anyone to understand just how unique it is.
I really thought it might get easier. I could tell it wasn't, but I thought that maybe if I kept waiting, tried to forget, focus my attention elsewhere, it might get easier. It turns out that the opposite is true. You appear in my dreams with ever-increasing frequency, I have begun to experience physical effects of said dreams, and all peripheral aspects of my life continue to deteriorate.
I miss you so much, Marie. I never knew that I could love anyone so deeply. I feel entirely empty and without purpose since last I saw you. I am trying to find the strength to survive, but with each passing day seeing my sense of purpose diminished I am failing.
The notion that 'time heals all wounds', apart from being demonstrably false, offers little comfort. The implication is that given enough time, your memory will be dull enough so as not to matter. In fact, it is just this proposition which scares me more than anything.
I can't openly discuss the details of our relationship or how it found its end, making it truly impossible for anyone to understand just how unique it is.
I really thought it might get easier. I could tell it wasn't, but I thought that maybe if I kept waiting, tried to forget, focus my attention elsewhere, it might get easier. It turns out that the opposite is true. You appear in my dreams with ever-increasing frequency, I have begun to experience physical effects of said dreams, and all peripheral aspects of my life continue to deteriorate.
I miss you so much, Marie. I never knew that I could love anyone so deeply. I feel entirely empty and without purpose since last I saw you. I am trying to find the strength to survive, but with each passing day seeing my sense of purpose diminished I am failing.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
To find rest...
As my parting gesture, I would have you know that upon my final breath, as so many preceding it, was sighed the most beautiful utterance to ever grace the air... Marie.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
It's So Heavy,
the weight I feel.
Now, as I lay here contemplating what I might say if I ever saw you again, my fingers feel stiff, my skin cold, and my heart heavy. I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation, but today feels heavier than usual. It feels like being draped in a cold, damp blanket.
I had always heard the phrase "heavy heart" but have only recently come to understand its relevance. While it is commonly used metaphorically, it can accurately describe the feeling I currently experience. My chest aches, my blood runs cold, and heart just feels like its sinking through my back and into the mattress.
It all started when the notion of somehow seeing you again infiltrated my consciousness. I couldn't help but imagine how you would look and how it would transpire. I began to shiver endlessly. Even now, I tremble.
I tried to imagine what I would say or do... what you would say or do. I suspect I might just collapse to a heap on the ground and struggle to utter even one comprehensible word. I have no idea where I would start. I don't know if there is anything I could even say at that moment.
I would want to hold you, but I would be afraid. I fear you wouldn't recognize me.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel my heart grow heavier each day and the anxiety becomes ever more unbearable. Despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to find any meaning in this life beyond you and each day feels like a cruel joke at my expense. I can't enjoy anything because my mind is racked by thoughts of sharing it with you.
I love you deeply and truly.
Please help me to find a path to happiness. As I suspect happiness is no longer in my horizon, I would be grateful to find rest. Whether it be among the birds or the bugs, I shall find rest.
Release my bonds and lift the weight that so cruelly plagues my heart.
Now, as I lay here contemplating what I might say if I ever saw you again, my fingers feel stiff, my skin cold, and my heart heavy. I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation, but today feels heavier than usual. It feels like being draped in a cold, damp blanket.
I had always heard the phrase "heavy heart" but have only recently come to understand its relevance. While it is commonly used metaphorically, it can accurately describe the feeling I currently experience. My chest aches, my blood runs cold, and heart just feels like its sinking through my back and into the mattress.
It all started when the notion of somehow seeing you again infiltrated my consciousness. I couldn't help but imagine how you would look and how it would transpire. I began to shiver endlessly. Even now, I tremble.
I tried to imagine what I would say or do... what you would say or do. I suspect I might just collapse to a heap on the ground and struggle to utter even one comprehensible word. I have no idea where I would start. I don't know if there is anything I could even say at that moment.
I would want to hold you, but I would be afraid. I fear you wouldn't recognize me.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel my heart grow heavier each day and the anxiety becomes ever more unbearable. Despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to find any meaning in this life beyond you and each day feels like a cruel joke at my expense. I can't enjoy anything because my mind is racked by thoughts of sharing it with you.
I love you deeply and truly.
Please help me to find a path to happiness. As I suspect happiness is no longer in my horizon, I would be grateful to find rest. Whether it be among the birds or the bugs, I shall find rest.
Release my bonds and lift the weight that so cruelly plagues my heart.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Promise
I promise to live my life in devotion to you.
I promise to do everything in my power to assist you.
I promise to demonstrate my love often and honestly.
I promise to say what I mean and man what I say.
I promise to cook meals for you when you have had a tiring day.
I promise to rub your feet, shoulders, back, hands, or whatever else needs soothing.
I promise to keep myself and my stuff clean and out of your way.
I promise to accompany you anywhere you would like to go and enjoy it.
I promise to do the dishes, not because you ask me to, but so that you will never have to.
I promise to remind you each and every day why the world is better for having you in it.
I promise to sing with you, dance with you and play with you whenever you feel like it.
I promise to stay away from you when you need to be alone.
I promise to comfort you when you are in pain.
I promise to know when you say you want to be alone but you really don't.
I promise to put all other things beneath my commitment to you.
I promise to cherish your beauty with every glance I am fortunate enough to take.
I promise never to tell you that an outfit makes you look fat.
I promise to support you in any way I can with whatever you are pursuing.
I promise to be faithful to you and earn your trust every day.
I promise to protect you to the best of my ability, putting your life before my own whenever necessary.
I promise to let you know when I don't understand what you want rather than upset you when I screw it up.
I promise to be nice to all of your friends.
I promise to tell you "I love you" no matter who is around me.
I promise to give you space and to be honest about when I need space.
I promise to spend the rest of my life demonstrating how keenly aware I am that I am the luckiest person alive.
I promise to shower you with tasteful gifts whenever the occasion calls for it.
I promise to be your best friend
I promise to listen to your stories and actually pay attention.
I promise to enjoy every moment with you and consider it a blessing.
I promise to love you in whatever way you need for as long as I live.
How desperately I wish to say this to you. Alas... I submit it to the winds to carry upon their wings and spread faintly about the ears of any who would listen as I earnestly whisper it from my lips. Too little, too late, I'm afraid. Nevertheless, no truer love was ever known and should not soon be forgot.
I promise to do everything in my power to assist you.
I promise to demonstrate my love often and honestly.
I promise to say what I mean and man what I say.
I promise to cook meals for you when you have had a tiring day.
I promise to rub your feet, shoulders, back, hands, or whatever else needs soothing.
I promise to keep myself and my stuff clean and out of your way.
I promise to accompany you anywhere you would like to go and enjoy it.
I promise to do the dishes, not because you ask me to, but so that you will never have to.
I promise to remind you each and every day why the world is better for having you in it.
I promise to sing with you, dance with you and play with you whenever you feel like it.
I promise to stay away from you when you need to be alone.
I promise to comfort you when you are in pain.
I promise to know when you say you want to be alone but you really don't.
I promise to put all other things beneath my commitment to you.
I promise to cherish your beauty with every glance I am fortunate enough to take.
I promise never to tell you that an outfit makes you look fat.
I promise to support you in any way I can with whatever you are pursuing.
I promise to be faithful to you and earn your trust every day.
I promise to protect you to the best of my ability, putting your life before my own whenever necessary.
I promise to let you know when I don't understand what you want rather than upset you when I screw it up.
I promise to be nice to all of your friends.
I promise to tell you "I love you" no matter who is around me.
I promise to give you space and to be honest about when I need space.
I promise to spend the rest of my life demonstrating how keenly aware I am that I am the luckiest person alive.
I promise to shower you with tasteful gifts whenever the occasion calls for it.
I promise to be your best friend
I promise to listen to your stories and actually pay attention.
I promise to enjoy every moment with you and consider it a blessing.
I promise to love you in whatever way you need for as long as I live.
How desperately I wish to say this to you. Alas... I submit it to the winds to carry upon their wings and spread faintly about the ears of any who would listen as I earnestly whisper it from my lips. Too little, too late, I'm afraid. Nevertheless, no truer love was ever known and should not soon be forgot.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Best Night of My Life
You will definitely think I am crazy now...
I almost laugh now when I consider the fact that I nearly abstained from leaving the house that night. It was cold, I didn't think I'd have much chance to see you, let alone talk to you, and I was nervous about making a scene. You told me, correctly, that even if I were to see you for a second it was more than enough to merit venturing into the worst weather. When it occurred to me how right you were, I chuckled and agreed. I probably tried to pretend that I wasn't totally thrilled to be outside, but when I saw you, I truly realized just how important each moment was. I was amazed by how foolish I had been for even considering missing an opportunity.
The bus ride was spectacular. It was distracting at first, but once we got the blanket going and I held your hand and felt your warmth, all peripheral stimuli vanished. Maybe you remember how peaceful I became? I certainly remember observing you as you attempted to fall asleep. So beautiful. I think we both tried but we were just too excited. I think it was there, under that blanket, where I first began to imagine us as a real couple. We were just so natural together. In spite of everything else, we just clicked.
I held you do tightly. I wanted that bus to drive forever. I remember the dismal feeling I got when I started to recognize things outside as we approached home.
I don't think I had ever felt a deeper sensation of peace and I certainly haven't since. Such a silly little situation turned out to be the best night of my life.
I almost laugh now when I consider the fact that I nearly abstained from leaving the house that night. It was cold, I didn't think I'd have much chance to see you, let alone talk to you, and I was nervous about making a scene. You told me, correctly, that even if I were to see you for a second it was more than enough to merit venturing into the worst weather. When it occurred to me how right you were, I chuckled and agreed. I probably tried to pretend that I wasn't totally thrilled to be outside, but when I saw you, I truly realized just how important each moment was. I was amazed by how foolish I had been for even considering missing an opportunity.
The bus ride was spectacular. It was distracting at first, but once we got the blanket going and I held your hand and felt your warmth, all peripheral stimuli vanished. Maybe you remember how peaceful I became? I certainly remember observing you as you attempted to fall asleep. So beautiful. I think we both tried but we were just too excited. I think it was there, under that blanket, where I first began to imagine us as a real couple. We were just so natural together. In spite of everything else, we just clicked.
I held you do tightly. I wanted that bus to drive forever. I remember the dismal feeling I got when I started to recognize things outside as we approached home.
I don't think I had ever felt a deeper sensation of peace and I certainly haven't since. Such a silly little situation turned out to be the best night of my life.
Friday, February 10, 2012
I Never Had a Choice
The truth is, since the moment I first saw you, I knew there was something special about you. I wasn't sure at first, but I sensed something new and important. I would think of you often and wonder why you seemed to stick it my mind. I thought frequently of what kind of person you might be on the inside. I could tell from the outside that you were unlike anyone I had ever known. That was obvious. But there was more. Something about the way you looked when you didn't think anyone was looking told me there was more to you. The way you carried yourself was unusual and intriguing. Simply by observing you, my instincts influenced my course toward further observation.
I was in a relationship, and frankly, despite how interesting you were, I never considered a relationship with you to be even a remote possibility. The thought never crossed my mind. I simply found great intrigue in your presence.
Years went by and I continued to notice you more than anyone else. I made efforts to be near you, without tipping my hand of course. I wanted to get in for a closer look but didn't want to blow my cover. As far as you were concerned, I was just some guy. I knew that getting close to you would be risky, but again my natural instincts and curiosity guided me. These forces are too great to resist. I feared that if I learned more about you, it may indeed confirm my suspicions that you really were unlike anyone else and then I would be hooked. Well, obviously, I got too close.
Learning about you was thrilling. I've studied quantum mechanics, astronomy, history, chemistry, music... none of which have thrilled me even half as much as listening to you describe even one of your feelings. As we grew closer and began to open up to one another, it was not long before I knew that my life would never be the same. It was clear that you were singular in your depth and significance. There could be no substitute for you. This is when I truly began to feel fear.
Before I knew you, I lived somewhat carefree. I had come to terms with my mortality, I had travelled a bit, I had seen many things and known many people. Aside from the usual worries of life, I didn't truly fear anything. In an instant, one night as I looked into your eyes, it occurred to me that I finally had something to lose.
You used to laugh at me when I would lose words and stumble when I looked at you. I tried explaining that simply looking into your eyes could make me lose my wits. You thought I was crazy. I was, but nevertheless I saw in you the value of life, the point of living, and the truth of my own heart.
The closer we grew and the deeper out connection became, the more fearful I became as well. I tried to cherish every moment with you. I tried to remind you as often as I could that you were loved and valued. I tried to assure you that you would always have someone to trust and rely on. I didn't want to risk missing an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me.
The truth is, I never really had a choice in this. Blame it on nature or blame it on natural instincts, the simple fact is that I was truly powerless to resist you. Even now, as I sit alone envisioning you, I am captivated by you. To see you react to me and respond to my touch and my words... It was just too much. I never had a choice.
I don't know why it has become so much more potent these last couple days, but the pain has been crippling. I plan to continue faking it for other people, a skill I know you developed over many years, and trying to deal with this on my own. I wish I could comfort you and kiss you softly and tell you again how much you mean to me.
I was in a relationship, and frankly, despite how interesting you were, I never considered a relationship with you to be even a remote possibility. The thought never crossed my mind. I simply found great intrigue in your presence.
Years went by and I continued to notice you more than anyone else. I made efforts to be near you, without tipping my hand of course. I wanted to get in for a closer look but didn't want to blow my cover. As far as you were concerned, I was just some guy. I knew that getting close to you would be risky, but again my natural instincts and curiosity guided me. These forces are too great to resist. I feared that if I learned more about you, it may indeed confirm my suspicions that you really were unlike anyone else and then I would be hooked. Well, obviously, I got too close.
Learning about you was thrilling. I've studied quantum mechanics, astronomy, history, chemistry, music... none of which have thrilled me even half as much as listening to you describe even one of your feelings. As we grew closer and began to open up to one another, it was not long before I knew that my life would never be the same. It was clear that you were singular in your depth and significance. There could be no substitute for you. This is when I truly began to feel fear.
Before I knew you, I lived somewhat carefree. I had come to terms with my mortality, I had travelled a bit, I had seen many things and known many people. Aside from the usual worries of life, I didn't truly fear anything. In an instant, one night as I looked into your eyes, it occurred to me that I finally had something to lose.
You used to laugh at me when I would lose words and stumble when I looked at you. I tried explaining that simply looking into your eyes could make me lose my wits. You thought I was crazy. I was, but nevertheless I saw in you the value of life, the point of living, and the truth of my own heart.
The closer we grew and the deeper out connection became, the more fearful I became as well. I tried to cherish every moment with you. I tried to remind you as often as I could that you were loved and valued. I tried to assure you that you would always have someone to trust and rely on. I didn't want to risk missing an opportunity to let you know how much you meant to me.
The truth is, I never really had a choice in this. Blame it on nature or blame it on natural instincts, the simple fact is that I was truly powerless to resist you. Even now, as I sit alone envisioning you, I am captivated by you. To see you react to me and respond to my touch and my words... It was just too much. I never had a choice.
I don't know why it has become so much more potent these last couple days, but the pain has been crippling. I plan to continue faking it for other people, a skill I know you developed over many years, and trying to deal with this on my own. I wish I could comfort you and kiss you softly and tell you again how much you mean to me.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Where you are...
Do you remember me? Do you think of me often? Do you sometimes stop what you are doing and smile for a moment? Do you imagine what we could have been doing together? Do you keep remembrances of me among your possessions? Do you wish I could be there - where you are?
Have your tears run dry? Have you not slept a full night since we last spoke? Have you kept the memory of our friendship alive in your heart? Where you are, have you ever pictured me there?
Today, I was finally overcome. As I sat, looking at a picture of you - that one I snapped as we sat together by the river - I felt the sensation flee from my limbs, my vision blurred, and my body succumbed to the emotional power being generated by my heart. My arms fell limp, my head rolled back, and I felt the helplessness I had been feeling all this time manifest itself physically.
For a moment, I remained prone and paralyzed. It reminded me of venturing just a but too far into the ocean and being swept up in a wave. Against the weight and power of the rushing water, my futile efforts to resist its current are lost entirely. Like a rag doll, I am tossed about, struggling for air, flailing for something to brace myself, hoping for it to end... scared.
You used to think that my complacency with death was morbid, but I tried often to convince you that it was derived from a sense of peace. There is something beautiful about knowing you are out matched and embracing it with grace. I first began to think of it in that wave. Blinded, disoriented, robbed of air, it suddenly occurred to me that I am a part of something larger, something over which I have no control. Should I be overcome by this great force, I will have surrendered in peace.
I thought for a moment today that I might pass out. I didn't, but in that brief moment, I actually invited death. I thought that maybe I could just collapse, the last thing having crossed through my eyes and into my consciousness being your image. It seemed like a wonderful way to go. Since an end must come, I only hope it does so with your beautiful visage floating upon my imagination.
Where you are, there lies all of the beauty on earth, contained in a single point. Where you are, the music of all lovers and mourners finds its way, intertwined, in a grand symphony of all human emotions. Where you are, visions of peace and tranquility cover the worried and tired like a blanket, floating down on the air. Where you are, fear and doubt are unknown, for all that matters in our mortal existence is displayed with graceful humility and sobering honesty.
Although I often feel alone, there is comfort in that knowledge. Someday, when we are reunited, I will once again know rest.
Have your tears run dry? Have you not slept a full night since we last spoke? Have you kept the memory of our friendship alive in your heart? Where you are, have you ever pictured me there?
Today, I was finally overcome. As I sat, looking at a picture of you - that one I snapped as we sat together by the river - I felt the sensation flee from my limbs, my vision blurred, and my body succumbed to the emotional power being generated by my heart. My arms fell limp, my head rolled back, and I felt the helplessness I had been feeling all this time manifest itself physically.
For a moment, I remained prone and paralyzed. It reminded me of venturing just a but too far into the ocean and being swept up in a wave. Against the weight and power of the rushing water, my futile efforts to resist its current are lost entirely. Like a rag doll, I am tossed about, struggling for air, flailing for something to brace myself, hoping for it to end... scared.
You used to think that my complacency with death was morbid, but I tried often to convince you that it was derived from a sense of peace. There is something beautiful about knowing you are out matched and embracing it with grace. I first began to think of it in that wave. Blinded, disoriented, robbed of air, it suddenly occurred to me that I am a part of something larger, something over which I have no control. Should I be overcome by this great force, I will have surrendered in peace.
I thought for a moment today that I might pass out. I didn't, but in that brief moment, I actually invited death. I thought that maybe I could just collapse, the last thing having crossed through my eyes and into my consciousness being your image. It seemed like a wonderful way to go. Since an end must come, I only hope it does so with your beautiful visage floating upon my imagination.
Where you are, there lies all of the beauty on earth, contained in a single point. Where you are, the music of all lovers and mourners finds its way, intertwined, in a grand symphony of all human emotions. Where you are, visions of peace and tranquility cover the worried and tired like a blanket, floating down on the air. Where you are, fear and doubt are unknown, for all that matters in our mortal existence is displayed with graceful humility and sobering honesty.
Although I often feel alone, there is comfort in that knowledge. Someday, when we are reunited, I will once again know rest.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The music is fading.
Dear Marie,
While I still find my thoughts occupied by your words and your smile throughout the day and night, the music which you used to inspire has begun to fade. I used to hear melodies and harmonies and poetry flowing around the contours of my brain. My hands could barely keep up with all that my heart yearned to express.
Now, that energy is being replaced by confusion and sadness. The colors that I used to see have begun to dull. This life and my place in it have begun to seem entirely empty without you.
I never thought I would be the kind of person who needed someone else. I never wanted to rely on anyone. I always thought I would be able to do everything by myself and be happy alone. Every night that I lay down without wishing you sweet dreams is another step away from independence and a reminder that the only thing I truly love is you. Without you, I have no direction, no path. I'm stumbling around in the dark.
I miss you more each day and no matter how hard I try to move on, I'd sooner forget how to breathe than forget your touch. The touch of your hand in mine, and the touch of your heart on mine.
Listening to you speak from your most honest emotions has been the most moving experience of my life. Watching the lines of your face as you bore your secrets and your feelings to me has been like watching the architecture of my own soul constructed from nothing to a monument of grace and profundity.
You will remain in my heart for as long as it beats. It is fueled by your beauty and surges your energy through my body. I am nothing without you.
While I still find my thoughts occupied by your words and your smile throughout the day and night, the music which you used to inspire has begun to fade. I used to hear melodies and harmonies and poetry flowing around the contours of my brain. My hands could barely keep up with all that my heart yearned to express.
Now, that energy is being replaced by confusion and sadness. The colors that I used to see have begun to dull. This life and my place in it have begun to seem entirely empty without you.
I never thought I would be the kind of person who needed someone else. I never wanted to rely on anyone. I always thought I would be able to do everything by myself and be happy alone. Every night that I lay down without wishing you sweet dreams is another step away from independence and a reminder that the only thing I truly love is you. Without you, I have no direction, no path. I'm stumbling around in the dark.
I miss you more each day and no matter how hard I try to move on, I'd sooner forget how to breathe than forget your touch. The touch of your hand in mine, and the touch of your heart on mine.
Listening to you speak from your most honest emotions has been the most moving experience of my life. Watching the lines of your face as you bore your secrets and your feelings to me has been like watching the architecture of my own soul constructed from nothing to a monument of grace and profundity.
You will remain in my heart for as long as it beats. It is fueled by your beauty and surges your energy through my body. I am nothing without you.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I'd Die...
I can see why the idea of an afterlife is so attractive to many people. If I knew there was some way that I could see you again for certain, not only would all of my woes be relieved but I would have cause and motivation to expedite such a course right away.
Sadly, I simply can't believe it. I don't think there are any other chances outside of this natural life. This isn't a choice I've made, as I would readily choose to believe if it were an option. My mind simply won't allow it. So I am stranded on this little whirling marble in space, treading water, hoping that something might be made clear again. I'm hoping some aspect of my life may seem important again.
I have done more than my fair share of thinking and for someone of my age, far beyond my fair share of longing.
I find myself in a strange position. Should I... could I... forfeit my life for the chance to see you again? I must admit that it tempts me more intensely each day.
Sadly, I simply can't believe it. I don't think there are any other chances outside of this natural life. This isn't a choice I've made, as I would readily choose to believe if it were an option. My mind simply won't allow it. So I am stranded on this little whirling marble in space, treading water, hoping that something might be made clear again. I'm hoping some aspect of my life may seem important again.
I have done more than my fair share of thinking and for someone of my age, far beyond my fair share of longing.
I find myself in a strange position. Should I... could I... forfeit my life for the chance to see you again? I must admit that it tempts me more intensely each day.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Love Letters
Each time I take pen in hand, gravity seems to guide my hand in the composition of love songs to you. It's as though the natural rhythm of my heart and the pulse in my fingers are the authors of my soul. My every motion is a reverberation of your impact. Each moment of my life is a result of your influence. I breathe you in and, in the stirring of my being, feel you working within me. The life in my veins carries your signature, and to it I can add nothing.
Dearest Marie, you will exist in my heart til I draw my final breath. At that moment, I shall know it is so as your whisper of love warms my heart and calms my soul once again.
Dearest Marie, you will exist in my heart til I draw my final breath. At that moment, I shall know it is so as your whisper of love warms my heart and calms my soul once again.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
How about a sign...
I always feel like an idiot. I go to parties and try to blend in. There was a time when I could fly under the radar and no one suspected anything, but now it seems like no matter how well I am portraying happiness, my sadness permeates my performance and no one buys it.
Sometimes I think I'm doing a nice job of fitting in, telling jokes, laughing at others' jokes, looking interested, but without fail, someone will ask me something like, "are you ok?" or say something like, "you seem sad".
I usually just assure them that all is well and I'm not sure where they are getting the idea. Rarely, depending on the person, I will simply say, "no... I'm not happy at all" and leave it at that. It seems that their intuition kicks in despite my best attempts to feign happiness.
It's quite an odd thing really. Before I knew you, I had no idea what I was missing. Most of of my life was spent without you. But now, even having known you for such a short time, there's no going back to normal. I can't simply switch back and go on as I did before. To put it simply, you redefined happiness and without you, I know it not.
If life is meant to be anything, I imagine it to be the pursuit of happiness; a contentment with the balance of one's life or some degree of comfort with the prospect of living further. Without you, I fear such a pursuit would be fruitless. Therefore, I fear I have no comfort with the prospect of living further. Although I have learned to hope, I have also learned that some things can not be undone. If I should never hold you in my arms again, I struggle to find purpose in drawing another breath.
Far from the pursuit of happiness, I currently seek even a fleeting reason to go on. I ache all over. Every beat of my heart whispers your name, forever reminding me of how futile my charade of a life has become. What business have I to go on pretending that any happiness could be salvaged from this mortal existence while every sensation I experience is bathed in your memory. Nothing compares. It all falls short.
I seek a reason to go on but find none. Marie, if only I had a sign... If only I could know that my life could be meaningful without you. How I ache... How deeply I long...
Sometimes I think I'm doing a nice job of fitting in, telling jokes, laughing at others' jokes, looking interested, but without fail, someone will ask me something like, "are you ok?" or say something like, "you seem sad".
I usually just assure them that all is well and I'm not sure where they are getting the idea. Rarely, depending on the person, I will simply say, "no... I'm not happy at all" and leave it at that. It seems that their intuition kicks in despite my best attempts to feign happiness.
It's quite an odd thing really. Before I knew you, I had no idea what I was missing. Most of of my life was spent without you. But now, even having known you for such a short time, there's no going back to normal. I can't simply switch back and go on as I did before. To put it simply, you redefined happiness and without you, I know it not.
If life is meant to be anything, I imagine it to be the pursuit of happiness; a contentment with the balance of one's life or some degree of comfort with the prospect of living further. Without you, I fear such a pursuit would be fruitless. Therefore, I fear I have no comfort with the prospect of living further. Although I have learned to hope, I have also learned that some things can not be undone. If I should never hold you in my arms again, I struggle to find purpose in drawing another breath.
Far from the pursuit of happiness, I currently seek even a fleeting reason to go on. I ache all over. Every beat of my heart whispers your name, forever reminding me of how futile my charade of a life has become. What business have I to go on pretending that any happiness could be salvaged from this mortal existence while every sensation I experience is bathed in your memory. Nothing compares. It all falls short.
I seek a reason to go on but find none. Marie, if only I had a sign... If only I could know that my life could be meaningful without you. How I ache... How deeply I long...
Marie
I just miss you. I miss you terribly. It isn't getting easier. I can't stop.
All peace and hope and calm is contained in your smile. That wonderfully simple, honest, beautiful smile as you lay your head upon the pillow overshadows all ills and makes trivial all worries. O how it haunts me now though. It's all I see. Each night, as I lay down for sleep, that smile fills my mind.
Sometimes I laugh and smile back. Sometimes I feel a wave of calm. Sometimes I begin to weep.
Sometimes I become engulfed in the torrent of sorrow that forever lingers at my back. I feel a weight of sadness which is just too great to bear. I break down.
I miss you. I want to be with you. It is sometimes unutterably tempting to write my final chapter with your beautiful image adorning my final breath of life. I can think of no sweeter end than to have eyes and mind entirely fixed upon such a wonderful sight.
All peace and hope and calm is contained in your smile. That wonderfully simple, honest, beautiful smile as you lay your head upon the pillow overshadows all ills and makes trivial all worries. O how it haunts me now though. It's all I see. Each night, as I lay down for sleep, that smile fills my mind.
Sometimes I laugh and smile back. Sometimes I feel a wave of calm. Sometimes I begin to weep.
Sometimes I become engulfed in the torrent of sorrow that forever lingers at my back. I feel a weight of sadness which is just too great to bear. I break down.
I miss you. I want to be with you. It is sometimes unutterably tempting to write my final chapter with your beautiful image adorning my final breath of life. I can think of no sweeter end than to have eyes and mind entirely fixed upon such a wonderful sight.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
What is real?
This whole life - the job, the car, the routine, the plans, the debts, the lies - feels a lot like waiting around in a crowded lobby for a show to start. Everyone is cautiously ambitious in securing a place near the door to the theater without shoving or causing disturbance. The time seems to drag on as we all stand, shoulder to shoulder, on foot, feigning contentment, whilst our thoughts are consumed by doubt. Is the performer ill? Is there some problem with the lights? What could be taking so long?
No one likes to break the ice of negative speculation, but we all have our suspicions that despite our patience and cooperation, the show may not go on. We begin to wonder things like if and how we might have out ticket price refunded, if we could shuffle other engagements to allow our attendance at a future performance... But surely there is too much invested in the show to simply cancel it. Surely, with so many people waiting and hoping, it must go on. After all, at this point we might even be happy if it wasn't everything we had expected. We will gladly lower our expectations if the alternative is nothing at all.
We look around, straining necks, hoping to see some indication that we are not alone in our fear. Maybe we will overhear something relevant. Nothing is heard. We go on waiting. Our knees stiffen, our feet ache, our backs tire, our minds race. This is the behavioral manifestation of hope. In spite of everything, the main thought recurring amongst all others is that of the glorious production which we have so passionately awaited. How wonderful it will be! We will at least finally enjoy the opportunity to lighten the load on our legs and relax. The colors, the sounds, the energy... it will be amazing. We have already waited this long, it would be foolish to back out now. There's no telling how much longer it will be, but wouldn't we be the fool for retreating now only to hear about it later.
I wait, suffering this life of toil and tumult, for the greatest show on earth...
No one likes to break the ice of negative speculation, but we all have our suspicions that despite our patience and cooperation, the show may not go on. We begin to wonder things like if and how we might have out ticket price refunded, if we could shuffle other engagements to allow our attendance at a future performance... But surely there is too much invested in the show to simply cancel it. Surely, with so many people waiting and hoping, it must go on. After all, at this point we might even be happy if it wasn't everything we had expected. We will gladly lower our expectations if the alternative is nothing at all.
We look around, straining necks, hoping to see some indication that we are not alone in our fear. Maybe we will overhear something relevant. Nothing is heard. We go on waiting. Our knees stiffen, our feet ache, our backs tire, our minds race. This is the behavioral manifestation of hope. In spite of everything, the main thought recurring amongst all others is that of the glorious production which we have so passionately awaited. How wonderful it will be! We will at least finally enjoy the opportunity to lighten the load on our legs and relax. The colors, the sounds, the energy... it will be amazing. We have already waited this long, it would be foolish to back out now. There's no telling how much longer it will be, but wouldn't we be the fool for retreating now only to hear about it later.
I wait, suffering this life of toil and tumult, for the greatest show on earth...
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
In absence of words, I defer to the wise.
Escrito está en mi alma vuestro gesto,
y cuanto yo escrebir de vos deseo;
vos sola lo escrebistes, yo lo leo
tan solo, que aun de vos me guardo en esto.
En esto estoy y estaré siempre puesto;
que aunque no cabe en mà cuanto en vos veo,
de tanto bien lo que no entiendo creo,
tomando ya la fe por presupuesto.
Yo no nacà sino para quereros;
mi alma os ha cortado a su medida;
por hábito del alma mismo os quiero.
Cuanto tengo confieso yo deberos;
por vos nacÃ, por vos tengo la vida,
por vos he de morir, y por vos muero.
Your every aspect is written on my soul:
and how much more I desire to write!
None but you has written, and I may only read,
that in reading, I might hide even from you.
In this I am and ever will be settled,
even though I see in you some few incompatibilities
(because I do not well understand what I believe,
already taking my fidelity for granted).
I was not born but to love you.
You my soul has cut to its measure:
it’s you I want as a cloak for my soul.
How much I must confess I owe you:
for you I was born, for you I have life.
Were it necessary, for you I would die;
and for you I do die.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wonderful
As most things in life which can be characterized as wonderful, tonight's mild, unseasonal weather brought to mind images of you and I walking hand-in-hand through the lovelier neighborhoods in town. We would see little shops and curious things along the way and indulge our intrigue without care. We would give meaning to every experience simply by being together. Our light, ignited by our mere proximity to one another, can illuminate seemingly dull moments. We walk as though there is no tomorrow because indeed, our rapture defies time. Each moment spent together could serve as a beautiful end if ever an end must come. As much as we'd like to go on sharing such moments into eternity, there's no harm in savoring those which we are fortunate enough to have presently.
Being that I could not enjoy this evening in your company, I happily took the opportunity to walk about on my own. All the while thinking of you, the strangely warm air seemed to accompany me in your stead. Just as though you were there, I savored each breath, each image, each sound. Colored by your memory, the world can only be a place of unending beauty.
Good night, my love.
Being that I could not enjoy this evening in your company, I happily took the opportunity to walk about on my own. All the while thinking of you, the strangely warm air seemed to accompany me in your stead. Just as though you were there, I savored each breath, each image, each sound. Colored by your memory, the world can only be a place of unending beauty.
Good night, my love.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Selected Scribblings
I could live in the wilderness, miles from anything human, surrounded by space and earthly objects whose appearance changes so slowly it could be missed entirely, with nothing to occupy me but my thoughts, and the sound of nature's response to my sole voice in echoes just slightly altered.
I could whisper to the heavens, shout to the earth, sigh to myself and cry out to you. I could make any sound at all and wait patiently for a return in kind.
I could stare into the darkness and watch it grow ever brighter as the stars and galaxies impress their dull image ever deeper in my eyes, or I could close them entirely and allow my brain to construct images in place of light.
I could forget everything else. But in my solitude, as in the company people, in my silence, as in the presence of sound, in my darkness, as in the light, I shall feel, hear, see, want none but you.
I know so little and have almost no direction in my life, but there is one thing of which I am more sure than any other. Never far from my mind does the thought of it drift. It has reshaped my entire perspective of life and informed my purpose for living it.
The chance to gaze once more into those eyes and feel the reflection of all the love I have to give is enough to keep me alive. Just the chance.
The walls built between us, the time yet to pass, the distance yet to cover, should matter little then. That day when once again we should embrace, our tired hearts finally at rest, I shall know that it was all worth the toil. As we gaze across the water, our bodies one, the meaning of life will be written upon the crest of every ripple and the arc of every stone. Our surroundings fade to white and in silence there can be found the peace which so many seek yet so few find.
If the remainder of my lifetime is required in exchange for this moment, I shall not think it a waste.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I Know I Am!
Crazy.
Stupid.
Insane.
Emotional.
Ridiculous.
Irrational.
Intense.
Verbose.
Melodramatic.
Passionate.
Committed.
Serious.
Loving.
Sincere.
Desperate.
Hurting...
Missing...
...hoping.
I know that very little of what I do these days makes sense. I know I live in a world of impossibility. I know I am chasing a ghost. I know I am pretending there could be a solution.
You took me by surprise. I never expected to feel anything like what you made me feel. I didn't know the feel of warm breath on my neck could feel like a blanket of peace being draped about my battered body. I never thought that resting my head upon your shoulders could make me feel weightless. I never prepared to find myself entirely so utterly deconstructed by your smile. How could I have been aware that the mere sight of you could reduce me to a blubbering fool.
I thought - for a second - that I'd be able to move past you. I thought maybe I could get over it and pick up the pieces. I even tried to convince myself that everyone was right - that we really never stood a chance. I thought I could give up on you, but baby I just can't.
Stupid.
Insane.
Emotional.
Ridiculous.
Irrational.
Intense.
Verbose.
Melodramatic.
Passionate.
Committed.
Serious.
Loving.
Sincere.
Desperate.
Hurting...
Missing...
...hoping.
I know that very little of what I do these days makes sense. I know I live in a world of impossibility. I know I am chasing a ghost. I know I am pretending there could be a solution.
You took me by surprise. I never expected to feel anything like what you made me feel. I didn't know the feel of warm breath on my neck could feel like a blanket of peace being draped about my battered body. I never thought that resting my head upon your shoulders could make me feel weightless. I never prepared to find myself entirely so utterly deconstructed by your smile. How could I have been aware that the mere sight of you could reduce me to a blubbering fool.
I thought - for a second - that I'd be able to move past you. I thought maybe I could get over it and pick up the pieces. I even tried to convince myself that everyone was right - that we really never stood a chance. I thought I could give up on you, but baby I just can't.
Not one of the better days...
I had a series of horrible dreams about you. Usually, my dreams about you are calm and serene, or sentimental and emotional. Last night though, for reasons I haven't quite figured out yet, I kept replaying terrible moments. They appeared and played out to my horror. I was helpless.
I saw you laughing with your friends, but when I ran to you to take your hand, you recoiled as though I was a total stranger. you didn't recognize me. I began to shrink, or perhaps the rest of the world began to grow, and before I knew it, I was overwhelmed. You walked away with your friends, laughing.
I violently awoke, pulling my hair. This sensation was so vivid. I could feel you slipping away from me, even as I lay awake. I tried to go back to sleep to repair the damage and somehow find redemption within the realm of fantasy, but it was too late.
I have spent the whole day in agony. Wondering, worrying, fearing... I keep seeing the look of happiness and light in your eyes which I so loved fade from view to be replaced by scorn and disregard. As you walk away from my helpless, floundering heap of a body, it's as though I'm watching an ember break loose from a fire and float off upon the air, slowly dimming and steadily fading from view. I struggle to keep my eyes fixed, but through the tears and the haze of confusion, you disappear.
It's hard to imagine a night without your presence in my dreams, but this vision was truly terrifying.
Not an hour later, I was to retrieve the presents I meant for you to receive which had not been delivered. You refused to accept them because you could not handle the pain. You believed that our time had come to an end and thus any reminder of me would only further complicate your suffering. Now it's too late. Now, the words I so passionately composed for you shall remain sealed in an envelope and my life haunted by thought of never saying goodbye.
My dear Marie, I'll go the rest of my life with your name on my lips and your visage on my mind.
I saw you laughing with your friends, but when I ran to you to take your hand, you recoiled as though I was a total stranger. you didn't recognize me. I began to shrink, or perhaps the rest of the world began to grow, and before I knew it, I was overwhelmed. You walked away with your friends, laughing.
I violently awoke, pulling my hair. This sensation was so vivid. I could feel you slipping away from me, even as I lay awake. I tried to go back to sleep to repair the damage and somehow find redemption within the realm of fantasy, but it was too late.
I have spent the whole day in agony. Wondering, worrying, fearing... I keep seeing the look of happiness and light in your eyes which I so loved fade from view to be replaced by scorn and disregard. As you walk away from my helpless, floundering heap of a body, it's as though I'm watching an ember break loose from a fire and float off upon the air, slowly dimming and steadily fading from view. I struggle to keep my eyes fixed, but through the tears and the haze of confusion, you disappear.
It's hard to imagine a night without your presence in my dreams, but this vision was truly terrifying.
Not an hour later, I was to retrieve the presents I meant for you to receive which had not been delivered. You refused to accept them because you could not handle the pain. You believed that our time had come to an end and thus any reminder of me would only further complicate your suffering. Now it's too late. Now, the words I so passionately composed for you shall remain sealed in an envelope and my life haunted by thought of never saying goodbye.
My dear Marie, I'll go the rest of my life with your name on my lips and your visage on my mind.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My Reason.
Not a day goes by without the unmistakable signature of your light embossed upon my every experience and thought. Your image tempers my anger and your memory allows me to ignore all ills. While it can sometimes be painful - to think of you always and be with you not at all - I am grateful for your presence even in my mind, always serving as the most beautiful thing this world could ever produce.
Although I'd prefer to gather you up in my arms and hold you forever, I must admit that despite my torment and regret, I do cherish you every day in the only way I can. If I should never hold you again and I should spend my whole life waiting, as long as you remain a part of me, I will always have a reason to be grateful.
I anticipate exhausting my entire vocabulary before I've begun to scratch the surface of what I feel for you, so I apologize in advance for what must appear to be nonsensical ramblings.
Good night, beautiful. Good night, my deer!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Those eyes...
Dozing off... Visualizing your beautiful eyes as the final sight to grace my consciousness before entering into a world dedicated to you entirely... My dreams.
I so loved falling asleep with you.
Monday, January 23, 2012
It Should Get Easier, Right?
Today, I thought about this outfit of yours... The one you wore the first time we kissed. The sight of you absolutely confounded my senses and left me utterly powerless against my better judgement. I knew it was risky and I knew you were nervous, but the way our eyes connected and the energy I felt between us was too much to ignore. I leaned over, stroked your cheek with my hand and tenderly kissed your lips. At that moment, I felt sensations I had never even heard of. I became certain beyond any doubt that I had found something truly priceless. I knew that you were like none other and to be in your proximity alone, much less your arms, was an honor not to be taken lightly.
You wore that little pencil skirt with the big buttons up the side and that light-blue sweater. You wore those shoes that you knew I liked as well. As nice as it all was, it served as little more than a distraction from the absolute perfection concealed beneath.
Our moments together were always hurried by a world that couldn't understand. We were apprehensive and careful to dive in too deep because we had seen so many relationships go awry. You told me that there was just so much about your future yet unknown and unplanned. You were cautious about letting yourself fall too deeply. Nevertheless, nothing could conceal the truth behind us. We were amazing together. We had intense energy and thrilling chemistry. Despite all outside impediments, we found our own little world for those brief chances and we loved it. We both experienced a little bit of what happiness could be.
Now here I lay, eyes once again restricted from closure and mind from rest. Entangled in a web of sorrow, guilt, pain, longing, hope... The only way it could get easier is if I were to forget you. I'll sooner see the life drain from my body. I believe I could live with the knowledge that I was fortunate enough to experience something which few even dream of. If the price for that gift is a lifetime of hopeless reminiscing and angst, I should still think it a petty price to pay.
You wore that little pencil skirt with the big buttons up the side and that light-blue sweater. You wore those shoes that you knew I liked as well. As nice as it all was, it served as little more than a distraction from the absolute perfection concealed beneath.
Our moments together were always hurried by a world that couldn't understand. We were apprehensive and careful to dive in too deep because we had seen so many relationships go awry. You told me that there was just so much about your future yet unknown and unplanned. You were cautious about letting yourself fall too deeply. Nevertheless, nothing could conceal the truth behind us. We were amazing together. We had intense energy and thrilling chemistry. Despite all outside impediments, we found our own little world for those brief chances and we loved it. We both experienced a little bit of what happiness could be.
Now here I lay, eyes once again restricted from closure and mind from rest. Entangled in a web of sorrow, guilt, pain, longing, hope... The only way it could get easier is if I were to forget you. I'll sooner see the life drain from my body. I believe I could live with the knowledge that I was fortunate enough to experience something which few even dream of. If the price for that gift is a lifetime of hopeless reminiscing and angst, I should still think it a petty price to pay.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Will You Be There Tomorrow?
Most mornings, before opening my eyes and inviting the real world into my consciousness, I reach out with fingers and hands open across the emptiness that consumes my bed. I search under the sheets and sprawl my body about the dimension of it. Deep down, I guess I know you won't be there, but I like to imagine my wandering hands finding your warm back, or maybe your leg or arm, and upon discovery softly applying my palm to your delicate skin. I imagine, despite my care not to disturb you, you stir just a bit until you awake as well. Realizing I have begun to caress you, your hand finds mine. You pull me to you. With eyes closed and breath slow, our bodies unite in warm embrace.
In this moment, we realize that whatever questions or doubts there may be outside of us, we have found the truest reason to live. Everything else is extra. In each other's arms, we have all we need. It's warm, it's safe, it's complete.
Sometimes I get lost in this fantasy for considerable durations. I'm often late getting up, which I don't mind at all. As I open my eyes, I confront the reality that another 15-18 hours will pass before I am close to you again. Even though you are in my mind all day, I feel most connected to you when I'm alone.
Before you, I never really gave much weight to the concept of hope. I didn't do it, I didn't see it's worth, and I failed to understand how anyone could. Now, as I lay awake, occupying a lonely corner of a void which only you can fill, all I do is hope. When I wake tomorrow, stretching my arms across the void, will you be there?
Saturday, January 21, 2012
The things I remember...
As usual, I will spend this evening pretending to be happy and hiding my true thoughts as I attempt to entertain a house full of people. We'll have dinner, play games, share stories, tell jokes, and all the while I'll be thinking of nothing but you. I'll be imagining you beside me, my arm around you, sharing the laughter and enjoying the night. I'll step out for minute and pretend to be attending something in the kitchen but I'll really be sitting upon the foot of my bed, head in hands, cursing my fate. Then, after a few minutes, I'll collect myself, fix my shirt and hair, and return to my guests.
Each day of my life is defined by you. My soul exists purely in the realm of your memory.
I know you want me to get over you - to move on. How can I do that? Why would I want to do that? What force on earth could replace you? As much pain as I feel, I still cherish the moments we had.
I look at your pictures of you and, like an involuntary reflex, I smile. My heart accelerates and my spine tingles. The hairs on my neck stand up and I let out a little sigh or sometimes even a laugh. Your beauty always made me lose control of my body. Nothing has changed in that department!
I admit that I am more emotional than most people, but someone like you requires heightened senses and emotional honesty. For you to be appreciated the way you deserve, nothing less would suffice. You ignite my imagination. You are the source of everything beautiful in my mind. As emotional as I may be, I'm still at a loss when it comes to conveying how special you are.
I remember the feel of your hair between my fingers and how you would slowly close your eyes when I caressed it. I remember the touch of your cheek against mine, so smooth and warm. I remember how you would take a short breath as I leaned in to kiss you and then the tension would melt from your body. I remember that when we would release our lips, you would take a deep breath and release it slowly with your eyes still closed. I remember how nervous you would be when we were in public, but then as we kiss, you seemed to forget entirely. You would just give in and allow the moment to happen. I remember when you used to tell me what made you sad, what made you cry, what made you laugh, what made you think... I remember how you looked when you could see how deeply I cared for you. You would look into my eyes, pause for a moment, and look back to me. You thought I was crazy. You were right! You were usually right. But not always...
I remember you. Every day.
Each day of my life is defined by you. My soul exists purely in the realm of your memory.
I know you want me to get over you - to move on. How can I do that? Why would I want to do that? What force on earth could replace you? As much pain as I feel, I still cherish the moments we had.
I look at your pictures of you and, like an involuntary reflex, I smile. My heart accelerates and my spine tingles. The hairs on my neck stand up and I let out a little sigh or sometimes even a laugh. Your beauty always made me lose control of my body. Nothing has changed in that department!
I admit that I am more emotional than most people, but someone like you requires heightened senses and emotional honesty. For you to be appreciated the way you deserve, nothing less would suffice. You ignite my imagination. You are the source of everything beautiful in my mind. As emotional as I may be, I'm still at a loss when it comes to conveying how special you are.
I remember the feel of your hair between my fingers and how you would slowly close your eyes when I caressed it. I remember the touch of your cheek against mine, so smooth and warm. I remember how you would take a short breath as I leaned in to kiss you and then the tension would melt from your body. I remember that when we would release our lips, you would take a deep breath and release it slowly with your eyes still closed. I remember how nervous you would be when we were in public, but then as we kiss, you seemed to forget entirely. You would just give in and allow the moment to happen. I remember when you used to tell me what made you sad, what made you cry, what made you laugh, what made you think... I remember how you looked when you could see how deeply I cared for you. You would look into my eyes, pause for a moment, and look back to me. You thought I was crazy. You were right! You were usually right. But not always...
I remember you. Every day.
Friday, January 20, 2012
I still feel you in my arms...
Dear Marie,
I think I'll take a trip to our spot by the river. I often imagine finding you there, sat upon our log, hoping, as I had been, that the fates would place us there together.
I think I'll take a trip to our spot by the river. I often imagine finding you there, sat upon our log, hoping, as I had been, that the fates would place us there together.
Dear Marie,
You ever feel like you want to say so much to someone, but you can't think of even one word that adequately begins to convey the depth of what you feel? Sometimes words just can't do the job, but with no other socially acceptable avenue of expressing your passion, you'll just write them anyway...
I'd like to shout it all, but I'm afraid nothing intelligible would come out. Even if it did, is anyone really listening? Maybe that's what drives people to madness... They are perfectly sane, but their inability to express the feelings in their hearts leads them to do things that seem crazy to the rest of us.
The result of my insanity is the aimless ramblings you find yourself sifting through right now. Perhaps all I want to say is that there is a side to me that is dying to come out and it has your name written all over it.
Determination is quite an inconvenient personal attribute when the thing for which you are determined is categorically unattainable. But fools press on, and without foolishness in this world, there would be no one to admire the beauty of it all.
In darkness did I once reside, alone yet unafraid. Now that I've seen the light, my love, my confidence decayed. Before you I knew happiness, but with you I knew bliss. If we shall never meet again, I'll not forget your kiss.
I now know what a day without you feels like and I don't wish to experience another. I promised I would never leave you and that I would wait for you. It is this promise which shall keep me going through the years ahead. To the ends of the earth I may travel, but when the lights have dimmed, the noise has ceased, and the troubles are over, there will always be you on my horizon- calling me forward. To the river... To the valley... To the place where we meet again.
You will grow and you will think upon me as but a memory. Perhaps it is best. The brief intersection of our lives has changed mine irreversibly. I shall never feel, think, or be the same for having known you. You have revealed in me a wealth of emotion and inspired me to express it in any way I can. I should be grateful for at least that. Your smile has moved my soul to tears. Your laugh has stirred the most tender nerves of my being. Your eyes have reduced the chaos of my mind and the complexity of my thoughts to a murmur and left me in total wonder. If I should never see them again, I will be glad to have a memory. To be but a thought in your mind is more than I deserve.
My friend, my muse, my confidant, my love- we will meet again, if only in our dreams.
Together
I don't know how often people think about the meaning of the word. Sure, anyone can define it in its most obvious use, but when it is employed in the description of two infinitely complex organisms amongst a world of unfathomable variety and constant change, its implications require more careful thought. It's not as simple as it seems. It's not as easy as we'd like it to be.
As you know, I tend to dedicate a considerable portion of my free time to the study of seemingly random topics, primary among them at the moment being quantum physics. Of the many concepts involved in this discipline, a few manage to defy comprehension despite any level of effort. It is at once frustrating, inspiring, humbling, and fascinating. One such concept is that of physical interconnectedness.
To crudely break it down, the basic idea is that all of the matter which makes up the material of life is balanced by opposite-energy matter (anti-matter) which exists under our noses yet beyond our detection. Additionally, the fundamental particles which constitute the fabric of our beings are connected across immeasurable distances (and times) to complementary particles. This relationship seems to not only confound all known physical principles, but defy logic. Alas, such things are possible and are occurring even now.
The point is: everything is connected. It's all connected, yet so chaotic at the same time. Against a backdrop of unimaginable complexity and randomness, for two people to connect in an even deeper way is truly a marvel. We sense ourselves connecting with each other but often attribute the feeling to some intangible, emotional condition. Perhaps it's more. Perhaps that tingly feeling we get when we look into a certain pair of eyes or touch a certain face with our hand is actually the reverberation of a physical connection at the subatomic level. Like feedback on a guitar amplifier, when positioned just right, the closer the proximity, the louder the echo - until it screams so loud that it brings us to tears. Instead of pain in our ears, we feel warmth in our chest, fluttering in our gut, and tingling on our skin.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the feeling I experienced every time I was near you has opened my eyes to a new dimension of sensitivity. I have become aware of my mortality, my weakness, and the fragility of this chaotic world. I can never go back. I can never close the lid and forget what I've seen. You amaze me... even now. My pathetic attempts to put any of it into words demonstrate the turmoil in my head and the limitation of my intellect. But I have no other choice.
No act or gesture that I can think of could ever demonstrate the depth of my feelings, so I might as well jot down whatever I can piece together in the form of these missives.
I'm so sorry baby. My arms ache to embrace you and my eyes ache to gaze upon you. I often hope that my time spent enduring this pain will be abbreviated soon. I know not how, but it hurts so much. I miss you. For the first time in my life, I truly understand loss and I know what it means to miss someone.
I wonder though... maybe we are together somehow... maybe we are connected in some way that no one can ever understand.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Dreaming
If I must dream in order to be with you, I should see it done as often and for as long as possible.
You, my first thought upon awakening and my final thought before slumber, not only command my waking mind but also my unconscious. Sometimes I awake with what feels like genuine memories of our reunion. It usually involves us wandering amongst a crowd, seeking one another. Neither of us even know that the other is near; these moments are simply representative of our normal state of being... longing for one another. I'll stop in my tracks, as if sensing your presence. I turn and see you standing there, stunned, with eyes welling up. I drop to my knees as you begin to approach. I am completely overtaken by emotions which elude description, both in number and in intensity.
You collapse into my arms and we embrace - this time appreciating the fragility of our union. There's nowhere I'd rather be. The background disappears and we remain there with everything we need. Each other.
I have this and similar dreams nightly. The image remains with me all through the day.
Sometimes I do things alone that I know you would have loved to do with me. I never said it was healthy, but it makes me feel closer to you. Some may say I'm living in a dream world, but that's the one you inhabit and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
You, my first thought upon awakening and my final thought before slumber, not only command my waking mind but also my unconscious. Sometimes I awake with what feels like genuine memories of our reunion. It usually involves us wandering amongst a crowd, seeking one another. Neither of us even know that the other is near; these moments are simply representative of our normal state of being... longing for one another. I'll stop in my tracks, as if sensing your presence. I turn and see you standing there, stunned, with eyes welling up. I drop to my knees as you begin to approach. I am completely overtaken by emotions which elude description, both in number and in intensity.
You collapse into my arms and we embrace - this time appreciating the fragility of our union. There's nowhere I'd rather be. The background disappears and we remain there with everything we need. Each other.
I have this and similar dreams nightly. The image remains with me all through the day.
Sometimes I do things alone that I know you would have loved to do with me. I never said it was healthy, but it makes me feel closer to you. Some may say I'm living in a dream world, but that's the one you inhabit and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
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